Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Society and religious attitudes, all increasing shame about mental health issues.

We live in a society that demands we be positive all the time. And if we are not, we are failures.

Society demands ‘you must be strong every day!’ or again, you are a failure.

In these demands, I am a failure. I have survived horrific abuse, over decades, but I am still a failure in society’s terms.

This means, those with depression, PTSD etc, are shamed into silence, or hiding their mental health, leading to less people reaching out for help.

There are so many barriers for people with any mental health issues, to reach out;

Stigma, which is abuse due to ignorance and lack of empathy.

Shame, because society demands everyone is a success, empowered and positive.

Religion, which abuses people further about mental health.

Unless all these issues are spoken about and dealt with, more and more people will want to end their lives, due to not seeking appropriate help and feeling shamed into more and more depression, isolation and despair.

This leads to more suicides and this is so tragic. Continue reading


Sometimes, I have to push myself, which is good for me.

This morning, my youngest son was having his school cross country carnival, and it’s his first one as he started school this year.

He was also picked out of 700’ish students, to be one of 20 children that would do the ‘opening relay’ at the beginning.

So, I was there with my camera etc. If there is anything that will get me out of the house, it is my children ❤

I talked with some nice Mum's who are always friendly and that was nice and something I rarely do, due to anxiety. Had a coffee with them, enjoyed some typical 'mum' chat and watched my son do the relay – which was so cute as he was the littlest involved – he looked so adorable with his little legs running as fast as they could ❤

I left after the relay, because I couldn't stay the whole day and even though it went okay, by the time I got back in the car – after only one hour – I was covered in hives, from head to toes. I literally had them on my toes/feet.

My anxiety issues are pretty bad :-/

But, I did it and made myself chat and be social and I did enjoy it. So I felt quite happy that I pushed myself. I know I need to consider doing this more – chatting with people, about normal daily life stuff. I'm going to need to think about something to do that is non trauma/non abuse/non PTSD related, to have some balance. To actually have something nice, for me. I would like to do craft again, in a group, as I enjoy that. Or maybe join a book club. Continue reading


It didn’t take long for spirtual abuse from ‘Christians’ about mental health being ‘demons’.

It didn’t take long with all the news about Robin Williams, for the spiritual abusers to come out, to play.

Just had a religious person on Twitter – spiritually abuse me with their Bible quoting at me that mental health is ‘demons’, Bible bashing at me with a verse from Ephesians to support their abusive needs.

They really need to learn to shut up.

They actually believe they are Jesus some of these people. Unbelievable.

They can be so abusive and they don’t care – no empathy. Just a sense of entitlement to say what they believe and hurt people all the more.

If you want avoid this abusive person on Twitter, they are @thehealinghug

I had to tell them to stop messaging me – because they kept on – as these abusive types do.

These religious people need to educate themselves with Christian psychology and neuroscience and STOP abusing people.

Just shut up.

Of course these pathetic people have deleted their comments, but I had already screen dumped. This is two of them.

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I always try to use horrible situations to help others. Today, compassion about suicide.

I always try to look at situations that are sad, tragic etc and think what I can do to help. I know I can only do my little bit, but I feel I do need to do that.

The tragic death of Robin Williams after his lifelong battle with depression, Bipolar, has highlighted again, the need for suicide awareness and compassion.

There are millions worldwide suffering with suicidal thoughts right now and I know that. It breaks my heart, because I know that pain.

So, to do something useful, I’ve put out a pile of info on Twitter and Facebook with this in mind. Stating compassion is needed. Info about suicide, how I get suicidal so I completely understand and have no judgment,and how I have empathy. Info about how to help people with depression, info about crisis lines etc. Continue reading

PTSD affects short term memory.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder affects short term memory.

I can remember so many memories I don’t want to remember. *sigh.

My brain also files away every ‘weird’, ‘potentially dangerous’, ‘off’, ‘strange’ conversation, situation etc that I have with people. They are often triggered and I am amazed at what I remember, where we were, what the person was wearing, who was around….

Yet, I frequently forget things that my PTSD brain does not consider an issue. My mobile is full of daily reminders.

The PTSD brain, is programmed to consider potential danger as the priority, because it already knows life threatening, severe trauma.

The PTSD brain also has sensitivity to processing noise, light, visual activity, smell etc and stress.

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I’m thankful for dissociation. It saves my life.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

Dissociation, is something I learned young. I needed to, due to abuse.

Over the last two years, it has increased and my zoning out, freeze trauma response due to all the pain of everything I have processed, and not having sufficient emotional support in my life, it help me deal with the pain.

Its why mindfulness is not possible. Because to stop zoning out, and do mindfulness, means I have to feel the deep pain and I can’t handle it. The only time I allow this to occur is around my children, so I can engage and concentrate on them and their needs.

The rest of the time, I am now permanently in a varying state of dissociation, from mildly zoned out to much deeper. I use my capacity to zone out, to use the internet to help others with info and as that comes easily to me – I…

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Sobbing at the tragic news of Robin Williams death.


I did not know him. Obviously. But, as someone who feels suicidal, has had a life of depression, suffering, I always feel such deep empathy for anyone who feels this way and is suffering.

It’s always tragic to me, that such beautiful people, end their lives due to such pain, that becomes greater, than the capacity to cope.

To die with such pain inside, is a horrible way to die. But, I understand why people do it.

It’s so deeply, painfully sad.

It is so tragic for Robin Williams and all the millions of people around the world feeling suicidal, suffering so deeply and ending their lives to release the pain.

I pray they all find God’s peace.

I’ve already seen comments on Twitter referring to him being a coward. People can be such fucking mean bastards, who lack any empathy. It’s true that the ugliest thing I have ever seen, is a person without empathy. They are ugly, really fucking ugly to the core.

I truly understand wanting to die, because the pain is too great. I think about it often.

I have empathy and great compassion for anyone who feels suicidal.


Done with Christianity as an organised religion & done with Christian counselling.

So much has happened over the last 2 years related to so called ‘Christians’ that I know has profoundly affected my healing, caused me more abuse and trauma, and I know I need to just separate myself, from it all.

I have seen so many people who claim to be mature Christians, fail so badly and I find it quite bizarre that they all can’t see it.

I’ve seen lies, excuses, corruption, justifications, minimizing, spiritual abuse in the masses, child abuse and well so much more, but I’ve already blogged enough.

I think so many really are mind controlled, into this concept that it is needed to minimize abuse and protect abuse perpetrators. All with their wrong interpretations of grace, compassion etc.

All this has shown me, is how much these people hurt abuse survivors, abuse them further, spiritually abuse them and re-traumatise them and re-victimise them.

And worse, they truly don’t care. They all stick together.

They truly are the perfect examples of narcissist/sociopaths or their apaths. Continue reading