Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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“Forgive & Forget” – I always knew this was wrong & it is narcissist behaviour.

 

I see so clearly how this is a typical narcissistic trait – it gives abusive people the perfect way to abuse others and then demand you just forgive and forget – with no consequences to the behaviour.

I see clearly how church people/religious people LOVE to use this to do as they wish, have no consequences to their behaviour, have no repentance and put the full responsibility on the person hurt – to do the forgiving – and call them a bad Christian if they don’t.

Abusive religious people love cheap grace and demanding forgiveness – with no repentance. And projecting blame onto the victims. And telling you, you are wrong to feel angry about the abuse/lies you have endured.

I’ve known since I was a child, that people not dealing with their behaviours appropriately, is wrong. Continue reading


Didn’t take long for the trolls to start being abusive about suicide.

Comments on social media – particularly Twitter have now descended further, to outright attacks about people being embarrassing, attention seeking, weak etc.

I knew this would happen, because I know what humanity is like – far too many selfish, lacking in empathy, abusive, coming out to play in their social media playground, looking for ways to vomit their own darkness, to bring others down.

Kicking those vulnerable, while they are already on their knees.

I’ve being advising people repeatedly to avoid media, avoid social media if the current content due to Robin Williams suicide, is affecting them emotionally.

I can see people reacting to provocation – in a highly emotional state. I can see people deliberately winding depressed people up – eg saying suicide is ’embarrassing’ and then when they’ve provoked a reaction – calling the one they have provoked and upset – the bullies.

Typical narcissistic, bullying actions – I’ve seen happening often through my life. I haven’t reacted and just left it alone. I’ve wanted to jump in and defend the person provoked – my protective side of me wanting to help, but I am too fragile to handle it myself right now. Continue reading


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I am a suicide survivor. Don’t call me selfish, unless you’ve walked my path.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-hurley/theres-nothing-selfish-about-suicide_b_5672519.html

This  ^ is an excellent article on suicide. And why it is not selfish.

I have attempted suicide at least twice. I started feeling suicidal when I was about 12/13, attempted suicide the first time at around 13/14 years old.

My second attempt was at around 18 yrs old and I still have a scar on my wrist, from that.

Both were due to severe prolonged complex trauma/abuse.

I’ve had more abuse in the last 2 years, whilst trying to process and heal. This abuse has severely affected my healing/health. I am in considerable emotional pain, daily. 

I nearly died a few weeks ago – wanting to step out in front of a bus, while feeling dissociated, numb. Continue reading


My song, when I feel vulnerable, scared, small and needy.

 

So many people say vulnerability, feeling scared, feeling fragile are all so wrong.

Well, in society terms I am a failure, weak and pathetic.

But, I am honest.

And this is how I feel, increasingly.

Or maybe, not increasingly, but I just acknowledge it more.

I feel it a lot. I feel unsafe.

I have most of my life.


Facing more grieving. Don’t know if I can handle any more.

To make a decision about stopping counselling, is a massive one for me.

I have an attachment to my doctor, that regardless of whether it is healthy or not, I know it’s there. I am aware it is normal for this to occur for abuse survivors, and I am aware it is not reciprocated and that my doctor sees me as a client and that’s as it should be.

But, as someone who rarely bonds/attaches to anyone, losing this relationship, is extremely painful. I have massive anxiety now just typing this and I know this is all adding to more depression. It’s the abandonment depression that complex trauma survivor have, that includes fear, feeling vulnerable and fragile and unsafe.

But, I can’t handle anymore religious stuff that I know hurts me more. I can’t handle anymore of how I think is not okay. I can’t handle anymore hearing how I have to minimize what the people are, that have abused me. I can’t handle anymore invalidation of what I endured. I can’t handle feeling let down and whether people think this is appropriate or not, I really don’t care, it is how I feel. And I definitely can’t handle this from someone, who I have transference issues with. It’s like my mother abusing me all over again.

I just want to get away from everything that has intentionally or unintentionally contributed to all the abuse and pain I have endured over the last 2 years. Continue reading