Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Facing more grieving. Don’t know if I can handle any more.

To make a decision about stopping counselling, is a massive one for me.

I have an attachment to my doctor, that regardless of whether it is healthy or not, I know it’s there. I am aware it is normal for this to occur for abuse survivors, and I am aware it is not reciprocated and that my doctor sees me as a client and that’s as it should be.

But, as someone who rarely bonds/attaches to anyone, losing this relationship, is extremely painful. I have massive anxiety now just typing this and I know this is all adding to more depression. It’s the abandonment depression that complex trauma survivor have, that includes fear, feeling vulnerable and fragile and unsafe.

But, I can’t handle anymore religious stuff that I know hurts me more. I can’t handle anymore of how I think is not okay. I can’t handle anymore hearing how I have to minimize what the people are, that have abused me. I can’t handle anymore invalidation of what I endured. I can’t handle feeling let down and whether people think this is appropriate or not, I really don’t care, it is how I feel. And I definitely can’t handle this from someone, who I have transference issues with. It’s like my mother abusing me all over again.

I just want to get away from everything that has intentionally or unintentionally contributed to all the abuse and pain I have endured over the last 2 years.

My husband thinks this is bad timing and I should wait and talk about this with her, but I can’t. There is no way I can talk about this. In fact, I won’t even be able to see her again, because I will break down and it will hurt too much.

It’s good timing in a way, because she is away for another month, so it prevents me from seeing her anyway.

But, I know me. I know how few times in my life I have bonded with anyone and I will grieve this too, along with the other relationships, I am still grieving.  

I am worried, that my state of mind is so fragile, that more grieving will push me over the edge. And I have to be honest about that.

I probably should be going to see someone about more meds. Or looking for other counselling. But, I just don’t care enough to. 

I just want to block it all out, and try and get on with my life. the last 2 years has been hell. I can’t do it anymore. 

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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