Facing more grieving. Don’t know if I can handle any more.

August 13, 2014 by Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

To make a decision about stopping counselling, is a massive one for me.

I have an attachment to my doctor, that regardless of whether it is healthy or not, I know it’s there. I am aware it is normal for this to occur for abuse survivors, and I am aware it is not reciprocated and that my doctor sees me as a client and that’s as it should be.

But, as someone who rarely bonds/attaches to anyone, losing this relationship, is extremely painful. I have massive anxiety now just typing this and I know this is all adding to more depression. It’s the abandonment depression that complex trauma survivor have, that includes fear, feeling vulnerable and fragile and unsafe.

But, I can’t handle anymore religious stuff that I know hurts me more. I can’t handle anymore of how I think is not okay. I can’t handle anymore hearing how I have to minimize what the people are, that have abused me. I can’t handle anymore invalidation of what I endured. I can’t handle feeling let down and whether people think this is appropriate or not, I really don’t care, it is how I feel. And I definitely can’t handle this from someone, who I have transference issues with. It’s like my mother abusing me all over again.

I just want to get away from everything that has intentionally or unintentionally contributed to all the abuse and pain I have endured over the last 2 years.

My husband thinks this is bad timing and I should wait and talk about this with her, but I can’t. There is no way I can talk about this. In fact, I won’t even be able to see her again, because I will break down and it will hurt too much.

It’s good timing in a way, because she is away for another month, so it prevents me from seeing her anyway.

But, I know me. I know how few times in my life I have bonded with anyone and I will grieve this too, along with the other relationships, I am still grieving.  

I am worried, that my state of mind is so fragile, that more grieving will push me over the edge. And I have to be honest about that.

I probably should be going to see someone about more meds. Or looking for other counselling. But, I just don’t care enough to. 

I just want to block it all out, and try and get on with my life. the last 2 years has been hell. I can’t do it anymore.