Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I am a suicide survivor. Don’t call me selfish, unless you’ve walked my path.

6 Comments

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-hurley/theres-nothing-selfish-about-suicide_b_5672519.html

This  ^ is an excellent article on suicide. And why it is not selfish.

I have attempted suicide at least twice. I started feeling suicidal when I was about 12/13, attempted suicide the first time at around 13/14 years old.

My second attempt was at around 18 yrs old and I still have a scar on my wrist, from that.

Both were due to severe prolonged complex trauma/abuse.

I’ve had more abuse in the last 2 years, whilst trying to process and heal. This abuse has severely affected my healing/health. I am in considerable emotional pain, daily. 

I nearly died a few weeks ago – wanting to step out in front of a bus, while feeling dissociated, numb.

I feel suicidal more than I admit. I dream about it. I have so much pain within me, from decades of abuse, and reliving it due to severe PTSD/CPTSD, that it becomes unbearable.

If people want to say I am selfish, weak, because I have children so should never consider suicide – please know I would never deliberately do anything to hurt my children, or cause them any trauma. I feel so distressed at that thought of them losing their mother and I am doing everything I am capable of doing, to not let that happen.

But, sometimes, the severe pain, darkness of depression, fear, hopelessness – becomes greater than my capacity to cope.

I don’t want to die, I don’t want to hurt my children ever, and it really hurts so much to be called selfish.

I am not a selfish person. I am far from perfect, but I am not selfish. I try really hard to help others.

Because I know terrible suffering and I know feeling terminal aloneness, hopelessness, despair and feeling like it will never get better. I know feeling like it is the only option to end the pain.

As was stated in the article above;

Until you’ve stared down that level of depression, until you’ve lost your soul to a sea of emptiness and darkness… you don’t get to make those judgments.

I don’t know if I am going to make it to old age, but I am doing everything in my capacity to.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “I am a suicide survivor. Don’t call me selfish, unless you’ve walked my path.

  1. I, too, am a mother and they are sometimes the only things that hold me by a thin thread to this earth. It’s so painful to exist some days and so many fail to understand the extent of the pain depression involves. I am so sorry for your pain. Thank you for saying the words so many feel…

  2. As a mother and an individual who has had to cope with wanting to just “give up” completely, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from . . . unless you’ve been in the depths of despair, you just don’t really know how hard it is to hang on. It is very easy to want to give up. Sharing your story, both the good and the bad, is an inspiration to others who suffer from PTSD/CPTSD. Never give up! You are such an inspiration so I’ve nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award : ) http://willowscabin.com/2014/08/13/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

    • Wow, thank you for the blog award nomination ❤

      I have only just read this and yes, I agree with all you have said. no-one should ever judge, unless they have been there. And if they have been there, they wouldn't judge.

      Much love, and thank you again for the nomination for the blog award! ❤

  3. I totally understand how you feel, after having been crippled from strokes and tumors, divorced because my x couldn’t deal with my illness, conned and lied to by a friend. I am numb and alone and the only thing holding me together is that my actions will affect my kids. And as much as we don’t really preach or convert, I must share that my belief in God has helped me to hold on. Its a difficult thing to do and I have attempted with pills etc and even considered assisted suicide firms.
    but in the end I realize that I need to trust in God that things are random but he loves me and will take care of me in this world or the next,
    please stay strong. you are not alone.