This ^ is an excellent article on suicide. And why it is not selfish.
I have attempted suicide at least twice. I started feeling suicidal when I was about 12/13, attempted suicide the first time at around 13/14 years old.
My second attempt was at around 18 yrs old and I still have a scar on my wrist, from that.
Both were due to severe prolonged complex trauma/abuse.
I’ve had more abuse in the last 2 years, whilst trying to process and heal. This abuse has severely affected my healing/health. I am in considerable emotional pain, daily.
I nearly died a few weeks ago – wanting to step out in front of a bus, while feeling dissociated, numb.
I feel suicidal more than I admit. I dream about it. I have so much pain within me, from decades of abuse, and reliving it due to severe PTSD/CPTSD, that it becomes unbearable.
If people want to say I am selfish, weak, because I have children so should never consider suicide – please know I would never deliberately do anything to hurt my children, or cause them any trauma. I feel so distressed at that thought of them losing their mother and I am doing everything I am capable of doing, to not let that happen.
But, sometimes, the severe pain, darkness of depression, fear, hopelessness – becomes greater than my capacity to cope.
I don’t want to die, I don’t want to hurt my children ever, and it really hurts so much to be called selfish.
I am not a selfish person. I am far from perfect, but I am not selfish. I try really hard to help others.
Because I know terrible suffering and I know feeling terminal aloneness, hopelessness, despair and feeling like it will never get better. I know feeling like it is the only option to end the pain.
As was stated in the article above;
Until you’ve stared down that level of depression, until you’ve lost your soul to a sea of emptiness and darkness… you don’t get to make those judgments.
I don’t know if I am going to make it to old age, but I am doing everything in my capacity to.