Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


12 Reasons – Why I Never Stood A Chance – In Organised Christianity

There are many issues, that churches and religious people fail so badly at.

These are 12 of the reasons why I was always going to be badly treated;

1. Yeah sure, come hurt me more..

I am an abuse survivor and it is commonly known survivors are treated badly by church people.

2. Watch out ‘demons alert’

I have a mental health disorder, which often is dealt with in a highly abusive manner by church people and often mental health is wrongly and abusively described as being ‘demons’.

3. Is he praying, or preying?

I was abused by a minister. Leading to the common practice of protecting the abuser and getting rid of the victim.

4. Keep silent woman!

I am a woman, who does ‘not’ believe women need to keep quiet, and I know this is what Jesus also believes and is Biblical.

5. Don’t hurt us…with the truth!

I am not afraid to speak the truth, and I know exposing the truth, is needed and I have emotional and spiritual integrity and courage. Most don’t.

6. Yeah, I know all your tactics!

I know a lot about how abusers operate, many of their strategies and the psychology behind it, and those who enable it, are their ‘apaths’ and I can easily detect it occurring. Continue reading

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Church Perpetrator Protecting & Why It Is Not Of Jesus.

This applies to all abuse carried out in Churches – particularly by the church ministers, and should be applicable to all types of abuse.
When the Church Prefers Perpetrators by Mary DeMuth.

Something is wrong when the church protects perpetrators and marginalizes victims. In recent months, we’ve seen a bit of the underbelly of covering up sexual abuse, demanding victims forgive and forget instantly for the sake of the poor offenders whose lives might be ruined if they were found out. (See this article at Christianity Today that summarizes a recent case).

(Note: This post isn’t about the Sovereign Grace Ministries situation particularly as much as it is about any church that listens more to the perpetrators than to the victims. I believe this is a universal problem.)

Cover up that exalts the “ministry” or a ministry personality over the well being of one who has been sinned against does not represent the Jesus I follow.

Jesus looked for the outcasted. He dignified the marginalized. He stooped (in the sweetest, gentlest way) to side with the woman caught in adultery, against her prosecutors and (perhaps) her sexual partner. He confronted sin in his closest group of ministry partners, even telling Satan to take a backseat. He noticed the woman with the issue of blood—a victim of biology and the probably shunning of the crowd. He clearly listened to the downtrodden. He identified, by coming to earth, with those bent beneath their loads. He welcomed scampering children while the disciples scoffed. His lap was safe.

The church does far better when it acknowledges its sin, living fearlessly and honestly, than when it prefers to show a pretty, unadulterated face to the world. Unfortunately, we have become so enamored with the ministries we have built, forgetting that God Himself builds His church (and thinking it weighs on our shoulders), that we have lived in depraved fear, preferring the words of perpetrators over the words of those abused. We wrongly believe that we are in the business of reputation management.

Paul’s dealings with the Corinthian man who had sexual relations with his “father’s wife” is instructive here. “It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife. And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you” (1 Corinthians 5:1-2, ESV). Paul did not ask them to coddle, to hear the man’s story. He didn’t ask them to protect the man or silence the victim. He mandated the man who sinned be removed from their midst because of his egregious sexual sin.

Yet some have settled for keeping the violator within the ranks of the church with no penalty, and even defending him or her. We have “protected” the integrity of the church by violating its integrity through hiding and evasion. Continue reading

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Self Care – Progressive Muscle Relaxation for general wellbeing/mental health.

I particularly like this one on YouTube, but there are many more to choose.

I am not good at maintaining needed self care, for various reasons…..but I try to remember it is about how many times you keep trying, not how many times you keep failing.

This is particularly good for Complex PTSD – which often has muscle/pain issues – due to prolonged anxiety and what is described best as ‘muscle armouring’.

My muscles are always tensed – even when I think I am relaxed.

My body is always on alert – as well as my mind.

Self care, helps.



‘The abuser is in as much, if not more pain, than their victim’ – I f*****g hate this attitude.

I have been abused by many people, in different ways, so I do consider myself to be fairly knowledgeable about this.

Abusers, can often have no conscience, no remorse, no empathy.

I have had abusers ‘enjoy’ what they have done to me. And I know they enjoyed it, they loved it. I was there – I KNOW WHAT I SAW.

To tell me, that these abusers were in as much pain, if not more pain than I was – is more abuse.

They were not in more pain than I was at all. In fact they did not look like they were in ANY pain – they were enjoying themselves.

I was in deep fear, deep pain, over prolonged periods of time – while these abusers, planned what to do to me, repeatedly.

All this is, is perpetrator protecting that society and particularly organised religion loves to engage/believe in and the reason – because it makes it all more palatable for the average person to view severe abuse – like child sexual abuse, rape etc.

This is also about not making abusers face the consequences of their actions, enabling their abusing and this is disgusting.

This is not about the victim at all and it shames the victim and minimizes what the victims endured.

When coupled with the religious shaming of having to forgive – it becomes even more abusive.

This to me – is evil occurring. The whole thing. Continue reading

I always form the wrong attachments & when they end, it is devastating.

I’m aware I form attachments rarely and when I do, they are with the wrong people and as a result, I always get so painfully hurt.

I know this is part of my Complex PTSD issues, due to so much abuse within my childhood and not having appropriate relationships with my own parents.

I’ve always said that to trust people, is my biggest form of self harm. Because, I form the wrong sort of attachments and trust people, who are unable and not wanting to be who I need them to be.

It’s a huge behavioural pattern within my life and I accept it, know why and try to have self compassion, rather than self hatred about this.

Abandonment depression and a deep sense of loss and grieving always follows the ending and loss of the attachments I have created in my heart. Continue reading


Thinking I need to re-organise my whole life.


I have been through hell this last few years. I have nearly lost my life, been abused, been let down by people I needed to help me, when I could least afford it.

I have processed a huge amount about my past and it has nearly killed me too.

My life has far too much darkness in it, far too much of the darker sides of humanity, I have endured over decades, by way too many people.

I have endured religious abuse repeatedly – still am as people continue lying, denying, minimizing and making me feel more shame.

I know I am absolutely over organised Christianity and all those in it. I am progressed past all that.

I know I am absolutely over abusive religious attitudes about abuse, about abusers, their perpetrator protecting, their spiritual abuse and all their massive issues I see clearly.

I am done being around people who seek to bring me down and don’t want to help/support me.

I am done being around people who put pressure on me to be like them – when I know what they are – is wrong and unhealthy and further abuses, survivors of abuse. Continue reading