I’m aware I form attachments rarely and when I do, they are with the wrong people and as a result, I always get so painfully hurt.
I know this is part of my Complex PTSD issues, due to so much abuse within my childhood and not having appropriate relationships with my own parents.
I’ve always said that to trust people, is my biggest form of self harm. Because, I form the wrong sort of attachments and trust people, who are unable and not wanting to be who I need them to be.
It’s a huge behavioural pattern within my life and I accept it, know why and try to have self compassion, rather than self hatred about this.
Abandonment depression and a deep sense of loss and grieving always follows the ending and loss of the attachments I have created in my heart.
As this happens, I always feel like a small needy, lost, hurt, scared, vulnerable, fragile, fearful, abandoned child. It is more painful, than I can even describe. Painful emotional flashbacks, followed by grieving, that like with any of my emotions are felt deeply, and for considerable time, as they are not shallow.
This is occurring again now, as I move away from an attachment, that has been so strong, for 2 years, that is particularly devastating to lose and grieve.