Whatever! I’m going to bed! Flounces off… Good! Bye bye narcissism.

I am in my healing journey, trying to process, grieve and heal severe complex trauma.

I am also an empath, meaning I absorb people’s emotions, good and bad. I’ve always been this way, because I learned to very skilfully read people, young. I was an adult in my childhood, due to parentification abuse, having to be my mothers caretaker and the mother to my sisters. I also learned deep emotions very young, due to so much abuse and needing to worry and parent my sisters. 

The biggest downside of being an empath, is I pick up and absorb other people’s negative moods and I also sense what is causing them.

Like just now with my husband. He’s in one of his moody, feels ‘hard done’ by, grumpy, projecting – by complaining about issues in others – that he himself is more guilty of. He’s sullen, snappy and I know he’s winding me up, only because he is in a bad mood. When I respond, I receive back the highly immature ‘whatever’ complete with teenager attitude, which annoys me all the more. FFS grow up. Then, as per usual – once he’s wound me up, oh he then doesn’t ‘want’ to speak anymore and I get the silent treatment. My ‘narc radar’ now on full alert, red flags had been popping up in every word he utters, all his body language, his facial reactions, the tone in his voice and now the sullen silence – all so evident of the regression into that of a teenager. Typical narcissism because he’s tired and he becomes ‘all about me’. ‘Entitled’ to annoy and wind everyone else up.  Which many people act like when tired, especially men, who are more prone to narcissism, as per psychology. 

I like quotes that are more real. I do have doubts, I do have failures, but I always persevere.

This was sent to me just now on Twitter, by a cherished friend.

I am honest – I do have doubts along the way. I do have failures and I do mess up. I get very depressed and lose hope sometimes. I get angry, I get sad. I feel lost and hopeless, so I identify with people who do. And I let that be known, for all those who also feel this way.

I am not all happiness and joy and positivity every day. Because I am real and honest and this journey is really hard. I am not a positivity fountain, or someone pooping butterflies and spewing rainbows. That, is not being real.

I much prefer this quote, than some of those ‘you are amazing’, ‘you are awesome’, ‘you are beautiful’ type quotes too – because quite frankly I am not. I don’t pretend I am. And I don’t trust those who do either, because that is all about ego.

 

 

Just a weido, looking for a tribe of like minded weirdo’s.

I love this poster/quote.

It is especially loved, because my husband has the pet name ‘weirdo’ for me, because I accept in society terms, I am considered a weirdo.

I don’t follow society driven needs. I have empathy. I am raw, honest, outspoken, courageous, passionate and have insight. I see things others don’t about humanity. I am a wise old soul. I am also a vulnerable child. I am Christian very different to your average church person. So, that makes me a weirdo too.

I’ve been labelled names all my life, some nice – but meaning ‘different’. Some not nice and some abusive.

I don’t have an issue with labels the way many do. I get it. I am a weirdo, because I don’t fit society norms and never have. And that’s okay, because I haven’t had a ‘normal/average’ life, compared to most around me.

Labels, are just a description, of someone’s general character. And they only bother you, if you let them.

Including the ‘positive labels’. Some people love to use their ‘letters after their name’, or be referred to as professor, or doctor. They want those labels. It raises up their ego, sense of self importance and superiority.

Joining writers groups, moving into my next stage of healing, whilst learning more…of course.

Following on from the writers conference I attended yesterday, I have found there are 4 writers groups within my area. Each meet monthly, on different days, and different weeks of the month.

So with my husbands shift work in mind, if I attend them all, I don’t have to wait hopefully more than a week to attend the next one, should his shifts collide with the writing group date/time. With this plan in mind, I have decided to attend them all.

As with all things, I feel like a sponge – ready to soak up as much wisdom and knowledge about writing as I can. And I know I need it. My manic side of my personality is eager and excited to just get into all this, as quickly as possible.

I also found some writing courses, I may attend too, to gain specific skills in editing. These skills I am aware being invaluable in writing. And no-one is aware more than I am, about how much I need to learn editing skills lol!.

Not only will I gain much needed wisdom about writing, but I will meet new people, start to deal with my anxiety and I sense this will all enable me to move into the next stage of my healing.

Interesting – most read posts – are about deep insight into different types of abusers.

I am aware I have deep insight into abusive people, due to having the need to study them since I was a child, to survive.

I stick to what I know about and don’t claim to have knowledge into anything outside of my own personal insight and research, psychology knowledge.

My insight is about narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles, spiritual/religious/church abusers.

I have been commended by many mental health professionals, on this insight. I’ve had many let me know, they direct people to this blog, to see my insight to help their clients understand what has happened to them.

I realise my life has gifted me into extensive understanding of abusers, why the do what they do, how they do it, why so many people don’t see it, and the damage their abuse causes and how to spot, detect them – which has proven very accurate, repeatedly.

My own doctor/counsellor and previous counsellor, have both stated my capacity to spot them and know what they are doing and why, is way beyond your average person. My doctor even confirming my capacity, is beyond hers. And confirming I have a very old soul, wise part of me.

I will be publishing about all this in the future, because I see it is a gift I have to offer others.

I want society to understand not to under-estimate abusers, their knowledge that what they do is wrong, the harm they cause and not to minimize any of this.

So thankful to be a good example of a real Christian – and to someone famous – Darren Hayes!!

Only in the land of cyber world, could someone famous tell me they love me!

I saw a re-tweet of Darren Hayes who had posted this pic.

So I replied, thinking it would not even be noticed by Darren Hayes…but he tweeted me back.. 🙂

Which I’m pretty amazed at! But, very thankful, to know that people understand that not all those who claim to be ‘Christians’ – are homophobic, abusive people.