Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

My new smart phone saga. I don’t like change…and why.

I have been very happy with my old, unfashionable, mobile phone. It does what I need it to do, calls and messages.

My husband upgraded our phones, as we had come to the end of the 2 yr contract. He has a smart phone already. My strict instructions on this matter were – I only want a smart phone, if I can go back to using my old phone, if I can’t get used to it. I will attempt to embrace change, but I ‘must’ have a get out, if I can’t cope. Hmmm sounds familiar about patterns of behaviour throughout my life.

My husband agreed to this – I made sure he was listening and not just yessing and nodding, as men do, when all they are hearing from their wife is ‘blah blah blah’. Off to the shop he went, came back with two shiny new smart phones. He’s all excited and I’m looking at mine, probably with the same expression as most have when having to go to the dentist. Excited? Not.

My husband decided to ‘sort out the contacts’ etc. And stuffed it up. He starts getting irritated, which is not what I need, when I already don’t even know how to get into the bloody phone. Which way am I meant to swipe? FFS…

My husband continues on with his little battle of him – v – the new phones, trying to work them out. I am sat with my headphones on, listening to music, trying to ignore him and his irritation. Finally he sorts it out. Phew, thank goodness for that.

Then he hits me with the bad news. “Oh, and you can’t use your old phone now, the sim cards are different and the new one, won’t fit in your old phone.”

‘WHAAAAAT!!!’ This was NOT WHAT I AGREED TO!!!! I am not amused. In fact, that is huge understatement. GRRRRR!!!

“Did I, or did I not ONLY agree to a new bloody smart phone IF I could go back to the old one, if needed???? If I had known this would happen, I would NOT have agreed to a new phone!!” My husband is now looking at me like I am being so unreasonable, one eyebrow raised. Annoying me even more. He doesn’t have PTSD to deal with FFS!!

Breathe! Slowly, in for 5 counts….and out for 5 counts. Repeat.

This is helping my anxiety, but not really helping my desire to continue whining that I don’t want my new phone. OMG – I am being pathetic!!!! There are millions starving in the world and I am now whining about ‘having to get used to my new smart phone’. Poor me eh! :-/

(Yes, I knew I was being ridiculous and needed to quit whining 😉 )

Joking aside, this is actually about a few issues, all trauma and PTSD related.

  • I don’t like change, because it signals danger in my PTSD brain. Any ‘unknown’ is not a positive to the PTSD brain.
  • I don’t like change, because I have enough change and chaos going on in my life, and don’t handle more, well.
  • I don’t like change, because I don’t feel in control.
  • I don’t like change, because I like routine and I need it and it throws me out of my safe space where I know what is happening.
  • I don’t like change, because it means more to think about and I have no more room in my head for more thoughts, I have too many already.

So, yes, even changing phones, can send me into a state of anxiety, especially when I don’t have my safety net, of going back to my old and trusted phone.


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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