I have sent 3 messages within the last 15 days, to my doctor/counsellor, none of which she has responded to.
She has been receiving my previous messages, so I can only assume bar some big issue having occurred, that she is ignoring them. I don’t believe she hasn’t received all of them. Even my husband thinks it’s strange, as she responded very quickly to the one he sent her about nearly ending my life.
That’s life, you can’t rely on anyone, bar yourself.
I have been processing this for some time now and come to the conclusion I am incapable of feeling happiness and joy for myself. I never learned this in childhood. I think it truly is a developmental issue, from being abused from birth onwards.
I can feel happiness and joy for others, but not for myself. I have spent a lot of my life seeking ‘highs’ – to ‘feel’ something good for myself, but of course, this never lasts. Because it isn’t happiness. And I know intellectually and in a wise way, that ‘highs’ don’t make you happy. They don’t last. They just make you feel something that feels like joy. The closest I can get to joy.
I still have those ‘highs’ and lots of lows. And when I do have those ‘highs’ – it is mania in it’s intensity. I used to think it was just depression, but now I believe it is more than that. Depression is a constant feeling of being low, but my mood cycles are too frequent to be that. It is almost Bipolar, but I’m aware I don’t meet all the criterion for that either.
There are different ways people handle their trauma and healing.
1. Moving on from processing.
I think there comes a point in healing, where it does become about finding more things in life to be positive about and focus on. I believe this is after all the processing of the trauma, and grieving. I think some are at this stage and this is wonderful. It can take many years, decades even, to get to this point. But, this is the goal of healing.
2. Still processing and grieving the trauma.
I think many are at this stage and that ‘is’ okay and no-one should feel bad about that, at all. It is a process and it takes time and no-one can judge that timeframe.
3. Not dealing with processing/grieving fully, or at all.
I also think some people spend their lives suppressing some or all the pain and trauma and are forcing themselves to focus on only good things and if that is what someone needs to do, that is okay too. But telling others they should also do this, is not okay. Because doing this, is not healing.
I’m not going to judge what anyone else needs to do.
But, what I don’t like, is when people criticise and judge others, who are in a different point in their healing, or what they are doing to heal/cope, or how long it each journey takes.
Sometimes, survivors don’t even realise they are doing No 3, so don’t understand how painful fully processing all the trauma is, or what the grieving feels like. The reason for the suppression, or denial, can be shame, fear, incapacity – many reasons.
Sadly, these will be some of the people who then judge others, accusing others of ‘dwelling’ or ‘acting like victims’….when in all reality – they haven’t dealt with their own trauma. Which is ‘why’ they will judge others. If they had dealt with their own, they ‘wouldn’t’ judge or criticise anyone else.
I have insight into why people put other survivors of abuse down and need to hurt them/be mean etc.
We are all different, and more need to realise this and if there were less judgment about other people’s healing, it would support survivors of abuse far more.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
All blogs written by Lilly Hope Lucario and subject to © Copyright Protected.
Not being believed, can sometimes feel even more painful than the abuse itself. And I am not invalidating, or minimizing the affect and consequences of abuse, by making this statement, at all.
What I am doing, is describing how incredibly painful and devastating it is to not be believed.
The abuse itself, is horrific.
The pain of not being believed, of being neglected, the emotional and psychological destruction that non belief by others, after severe abuse, is even more horrific. Because it adds on top of the already massive weight of pain and devastation abuse causes.
They aren’t two separate issues. They are combined.
Non belief, is like having the knife twisted.
The abuse being the knife being stuck in, the non belief being the severe pain of the knife being twisted in the already deeply painful wound. Continue reading
I do think I have the start of a book that would explain the harm church people can do, to abuse survivors and the many different ways, due to my own experiences and research on the matter. I have so many blogs already written, for each of these chapters. Would be interesting for sure. But, having had many Christians comment on their similar experiences, it would help people. Who knows. I know for sure church people need to be aware of all this. Most won’t listen , but some would.
There are many issues, that churches and religious people fail so badly at.
These are 12 of the reasons why I was always going to be badly treated;
1. Yeah sure, come hurt me more..
I am an abuse survivor and it is commonly known survivors are treated badly by church people.
2. Watch out ‘demons alert’
I have a mental health disorder, which often is dealt with in a highly abusive manner by church people.
3. Is he praying, or preying?
I was abused by a minister. Leading to the common practice of protecting the abuser and getting rid of the victim.
4. Keep silent woman!
I am a woman, who does ‘not’ believe women need to keep quiet, and I know this is what Jesus also believes and is Biblical.
5. Don’t hurt us…with the truth!
I am not afraid to speak the truth, and…
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I have been very honest about the different parts of who I am, being very conflicting. And they are very hard to manage and deal with every day.
I have my old soul, wise part of me. Who just would rather be alone, think deeply about life and avoid the chaos of immature life and society around me.
I also have my hurt, vulnerable child part of me, that never had her needs met and never will, who still desperately craves these needs, craves people’s company, interaction, attention, kindness etc.
I have this constant conflict going on, and I literally feel like I am being ripped in different directions.
When I satisfy one area of my needs, the other is unhappy. Continue reading
I only realised last night, how many comments I had in my ‘pending approval’ and they are from many months back some of them.
I am so sorry, if it appeared I was ignoring you. I do struggle to keep up with every comment made, as I have multiple social media accounts too. But, I have not intended to appear to ignore anyone.
But, I do truly appreciate everyone’s input here.