My constant conflicting needs, make life very difficult.

August 19, 2014 by Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

 

I have been very honest about the different parts of who I am, being very conflicting. And they are very hard to manage and deal with every day.

I have my old soul, wise part of me. Who just would rather be alone, think deeply about life and avoid the chaos of immature life and society around me.

I also have my hurt, vulnerable child part of me, that never had her needs met and never will, who still desperately craves these needs, craves people’s company, interaction, attention, kindness etc.

I have this constant conflict going on, and I literally feel like I am being ripped in different directions.

When I satisfy one area of my needs, the other is unhappy.

I feel this constant conflict and confusion within me, all the time. Because, I am now very conscious and aware of these needs. I am aware of my emotions and needs, that are met and are not being met. I’m aware it also plays into my constantly changing moods, as well as all the trauma, grieving, triggers, flashbacks, intrusive memories and thoughts etc.

It is no wonder my moods can change and cycle so rapidly and so often. My poor mind has so much to deal with. No wonder I just need to zone out, into a world of nothingness, to escape it all at times. It is the only time my mind gets a break.

I am honest, that I don’t know how to manage these conflicting needs. I know ignoring and trying to suppress this doesn’t work.  

I guess figuring this out, is another area of my healing journey.

It’s really hard being me. It’s hard having had a life like mine. And it’s okay for me to say that and feel sad about it.