Maybe, I am being selfish, forcing my family to endure my failing, useless existence.

I told my 5 year old I would watch his parade today, as he was doing something special. I rarely go to his weekly parade, as a hall full of 100’s of children, all the parents, the noise, the lights etc, too overwhelming.

I went and sat down and waited. As all the children started filing into the hall, my anxiety stated increasing, I could feel the itching of the hives on my hands. Then a woman from the abusive church, who has given me dirty looks in the past, stood right near me. Life is cruel.

As the hall was starting to fill up, the noise levels increasing, the area where the parent could sit and stand increasing in bodies all around me, making me feel trapped, the church woman hovering over me, I started to have severe anxiety and could not manage it. I had to get out. The parade hadn’t even started. I got up and fled.

As I walked through the school, knowing I had failed my child, agonizing shame penetrating my heart, tears burning down my cheeks, the dark thoughts beginning to appear in my mind. The self disgust and self hatred, increasing with each shameful step away from my child, who needed me.

Maybe, I am being selfish staying in their lives. My family. Thoughts filling my mind of my husband finding a new wife, someone capable and fun, to be a real mother to my children. They could be happier without me. I should want that for them. I love them. I want the best for them. And I am not that. I know.

I’m currently not coping and functioning well. I’m surviving and existing.

 

I am not doing anything other than the basics I need to so. Schools runs, take care of my children when home. Write.

I am using my freeze trauma response, of dissociating and numbing with far too much computer use. I’m not managing self care well or consistently. I’m not doing much in the way of household duties, meaning I feel guilty because my husband picks up my slack, as well as working.

If I do anything more than my usual day of not much, like socializing, my PTSD cup is full and I don’t cope well after that. But, I give myself credit for trying. I went to the writers conference and that went well, even though the next day I was exhausted. I met a cherished friend for lunch today, popped to the shops after, to get some thing needed for my boys and once I got home, I felt wasted. Totally exhausted and not coping well with noise etc.

I’m having big sleep issues and when I do sleep, I endure horrible dreams and nightmares. I know this is also related to the build up and accumulation of all the ongoing church abuse crap and all the deep emotions related to all that, on many different levels. My confusion and resulting trust issues with my doctor/counsellor, who was involved with all that. My husband is still on at me, to make sure I go to counselling, when my doctor is back. But, I so desperately just want to build a huge wall between me and everything and everyone that was involved in all that. I nearly died over all that abuse, a few weeks back. I just want to block it all out, although my brain is not really letting me do that. PTSD is a bastard like that.

Cardinal Pell compares Church with trucking company at Royal Commission.

Pell compares church to trucking company

Cardinal Pell said it would not be appropriate for legal culpability to be “foisted” on church leaders.

He then cited a hypothetical example of a case involving a woman who was molested by a truck driver.

“It would not be appropriate, because it’s contrary to the policy, for the ownership, leadership of that company to be held responsible,” Cardinal Pell said.

“Similarly with the church and the head of any other organisation.”

This is all about money.

Firstly, the church wanted to just ignore it all, move the paedophile/sex offender/abuser priests around, keep the reputation of the church as a priority, blame the victims, treat the victims in highly abusive ways, keep it all quiet, not contact the police and use the Church’s Lawyers to be complete shameless bastards against the victims – as has previously been proven by the Royal Commission with Cardinal Pell guilty of this.

Now, they can’t keep it all quiet, they have no choice but admit what is occurring and now the concern is all about $$$$.

And don’t think this is just the Catholic Church, it isn’t. It happens in other denominations too.

I have already stated, there is an insidious evil running rampant through organised Christianity, where perpetrators of abuse are enabled, encouraged protected and raised up….and the victims are treated in highly abusive ways and traumatised over and over.

And this is not just sexual abuse and child sexual abuse.  This applies to all the physical, emotional, spiritual abuse to children and women in churches like physical discipline to children – which is abuse. Like all the domestic violence enabled and women told not to leave, divorce and they have to stay and put up with it. All the abuse to gay people.

I do not condone any of this. And more importantly, NEITHER DOES GOD. 

Beautiful words, sent to me by a Twitter follower.

This was sent to me, with the words “I am grateful you are here for us”.

Posters like this one, really mean something to me.

Words like these, make me cry, because all these words, are who I am and someone has recognised that, and celebrates, appreciates and encourages all of who I am.

*tears*

Some days, the only thing that keeps me going, is Jesus.

 

Some days, Jesus is the only reason I can get out of bed, the only person who I believe really loves me, the only person who I believe is on my side and wants to protect me, the only person I can rely on and trust.

I know when I feel like I am down to nothing, and there seems no other way, Jesus is there.

He’s always there. Loving me through all my good, bad and ugly. All I do right, all I do wrong. All my good thoughts, all my bad.

Even when I don’t believe I deserve His love, He is still there. Still loving me.

❤ ❤ Jesus ❤ ❤