I told my 5 year old I would watch his parade today, as he was doing something special. I rarely go to his weekly parade, as a hall full of 100’s of children, all the parents, the noise, the lights etc, too overwhelming.
I went and sat down and waited. As all the children started filing into the hall, my anxiety stated increasing, I could feel the itching of the hives on my hands. Then a woman from the abusive church, who has given me dirty looks in the past, stood right near me. Life is cruel.
As the hall was starting to fill up, the noise levels increasing, the area where the parent could sit and stand increasing in bodies all around me, making me feel trapped, the church woman hovering over me, I started to have severe anxiety and could not manage it. I had to get out. The parade hadn’t even started. I got up and fled.
As I walked through the school, knowing I had failed my child, agonizing shame penetrating my heart, tears burning down my cheeks, the dark thoughts beginning to appear in my mind. The self disgust and self hatred, increasing with each shameful step away from my child, who needed me.
Maybe, I am being selfish staying in their lives. My family. Thoughts filling my mind of my husband finding a new wife, someone capable and fun, to be a real mother to my children. They could be happier without me. I should want that for them. I love them. I want the best for them. And I am not that. I know. Continue reading