Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Maybe, I am being selfish, forcing my family to endure my failing, useless existence.

12 Comments

I told my 5 year old I would watch his parade today, as he was doing something special. I rarely go to his weekly parade, as a hall full of 100’s of children, all the parents, the noise, the lights etc, too overwhelming.

I went and sat down and waited. As all the children started filing into the hall, my anxiety stated increasing, I could feel the itching of the hives on my hands. Then a woman from the abusive church, who has given me dirty looks in the past, stood right near me. Life is cruel.

As the hall was starting to fill up, the noise levels increasing, the area where the parent could sit and stand increasing in bodies all around me, making me feel trapped, the church woman hovering over me, I started to have severe anxiety and could not manage it. I had to get out. The parade hadn’t even started. I got up and fled.

As I walked through the school, knowing I had failed my child, agonizing shame penetrating my heart, tears burning down my cheeks, the dark thoughts beginning to appear in my mind. The self disgust and self hatred, increasing with each shameful step away from my child, who needed me.

Maybe, I am being selfish staying in their lives. My family. Thoughts filling my mind of my husband finding a new wife, someone capable and fun, to be a real mother to my children. They could be happier without me. I should want that for them. I love them. I want the best for them. And I am not that. I know.

The trauma of losing me…maybe that is less of a trauma, than the trauma of me staying. They would get over my loss. But, if I stay, they have to endure me and my failures as a mother, as a wife, the rest of their lives.

Maybe long term, they would be better off without me.

Because, I am not getting better, and that isn’t fair on them.

Maybe, I am being selfish staying.

Maybe, I could love them more, by no longer making them endure my existence.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

12 thoughts on “Maybe, I am being selfish, forcing my family to endure my failing, useless existence.

  1. Your little boy is the luckiest boy in the world to have a mother like you, I wish I had. Never think any different. You’re doing your very best and that is more than enough.

  2. Children whose parents commit suicide are many times more likely to commit suicide themselves. That is one reason. Another reason is that no matter how f’d up we think we are, to our children, we are just one thing: Mommy. They don’t see the things we see as failings. And when we do fail, as all of us do, we can apologize to our children. I was a genuine ass when my son was growing up. We talk about it, and yes, he was angry, and I felt and still feel bad about leaving him with nannies while I obsessed with work, never going to his soccer games, really a bad mother. But somehow, he still loves me,and remembers the good times we had as well as the bad. I know that if I committed suicide it would destroy his life. Two lives for the price of one! I have to bear the pain for his sake. And you must bear the pain for your children’s sake. It seems cruel to be forced to stay, doesn’t it? I get genuinely angry at times, that every time I think they’d be better off without me, I realize the destruction I would leave in my wake. Reading Silvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, and learning of her son’s suicide, jolted me to the core. My conclusion: no matter what kind of fools we are, we’re still Mommy and they love us in spite of our failings.Sorry for the novel,I couldn’t stop because this is a battle that I too struggle with, every day.

    • Thank you and yes you are right.

      I know when I am in that place of thinking these thoughts, I am unable to process rational thoughts and that scares me.

      • I just thought of something that might help you when you are consumed with the negative thoughts.
        While in a positive mood, write out (type it whatever) all the good things about yourself, all the good things about your life and any inspirational messages that inspire you. Print it out, having it saved on your computer isn’t good enough, it has to be tangible, something you can take everywhere with you. Every time the negative thoughts start bring out your piece of paper and read it over and over and over again, like a mantra.
        I did this once when I was obsessing over my son, I taped the piece of paper everywhere I might be, the fridge, bathroom, car and if ZI ever got obsessive thoughts about him I would read it until the thoughts subsided. It worked. It is retraining your brain to think other things. When you think about it, we are told lies about ourselves and every time we think about it they become more embedded in our brain. The only way to counter that is to embed different thoughts.

  3. My eldest son is home today as he is unwell with a viral thing. He’s been chilling downstairs, watching movies. I went downstairs with some cookies and a warm drink for him, asking him if he wanted my beautiful snuggly blanket I know he loves. He said he did and gave me a hug – as he often hugs me when he’s unwell. He’s 12 and it isn’t ‘cool’ to hug your mother any other time. But, he really needed a hug from his mum.

    I know my boys love me, and I hate that I am not as good a mother as I know I need to be and I should be. Being a ‘not good enough mother’, has a huge emotional and psychological impact on me.

    I always vowed I would never be a bad mother, like mine was.

  4. In that moment you were a good enough mother.. Sometimes just remembering to breath and be present to the moment is enough.. Don’t miss out on the times you are good enough thinking of any other times in the past.

  5. Just over 3 years ago I felt as you do and I did attempt suicide. I felt as you do that my son would be better off without me in the long run. My son was older, 26 yrs old and I thought he didn’t need his mom any more. I had screwed up big time when I was with my ex N, it caused my son a lot of grief and after I left I was devastated emotionally, physically and financially. i could not see ever clawing my way out of the pain I was in.
    My suicide attempt failed and I eventually told my son, brother and my mother (who hadn’t talked to me in 2 years) it took a lot of work with my mom on both sides but we have patched up our relationship. About a year and 1/2 after my failed attempt my brother gave me those well known words of wisdom. “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I replied, “So far, since I attempted to kill myself there has not been one time when I have thought, “My God am I ever glad I didn’t miss this.”
    And then one night the phone rang and it was my son, I don’t recall why he was calling but he needed his mom, and we talked for over an hour and I gave my advice and I told him how proud I am of the man he has become and that I loved him so very much and I could hear the tone of his voice change to one of gratitude as he said, “Thanks momma, that means a lot to me.” I got off the phone and I thought, “God, I am so glad I was here for him. and I didn’t miss this,”
    I have had many events happen in the past almost 2 years that I am glad I didn’t miss.

    I am thankful for all the people I have helped with my blog, every time I hear my son’s voice when he calls to share good news or when he needs to vent to someone who will never judge him and will always have his back. I helped him with his resume and he was so pleased with it. A simple thing that lots of people could have done for him but I did it.

    No one can replace a mom. I screwed up and I probably still do and will again but I apologize when I do. When a parent screws up and is accountable for it they are teaching their children a valuable lesson.

    That no one is perfect, all any of us can do is the best with what we have and it is the sign of true character to be able to say, “I screwed up and I am so sorry.” It makes it easier for your child to come to you when they screw up and it makes us more understanding and compassionate when they screw up.

    There will come a day when you will be glad you didn’t miss this.
    Hugs

    • Thank you, your message made me cry, but in a good way ❤

      You are right, nothing can ever replace a mum and my boys love me, regardless of me not being a perfect mother.

      Like you, I tell them when I mess up and I apologise and they learn valuable lessons from that.

      Thank you for sharing with me, I truly appreciate it.

      • You are welcome. My heart went out to you because I remember the pain you described so well. My son is 30 now and still needs me, there is nothing like a mother’s love. I look at him and am filled with so much pride and wonder, “How the hell did I raise such a together, compassionate, responsible man?” He is my hero. I promise, you won’t regret sticking around to see them grow up, and then come the grandbabies!!
        So much life to live!!
        Big hugs

  6. This post broke my heart. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Your family loves you – try to think of this every time you feel like this. I know from my own experiences, that if it were not for my son, I would not have made it out of my abusive relationship alive.
    Much love. x

    • Thank you ❤

      Yes, my family do love me.

      When I get to the point of feeling those kinds of thoughts, it is almost impossible to have rational thoughts about the reality of the situation and that scares me.

      I need to work on not getting to that point and maintaining more positive inner dialogue.

      Thank you for encouraging me ❤