Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Dealing with those voices from the past. Still affecting my life. Still causing shame, guilt, self hatred.

Had some good advice on Facebook today, I was very thankful for. ‘Do something nice with my boys, over the weekend, away from noise and all the things I can’t handle, and spend quality time with them.’

My boys love this and it will help my deal with my failure today of not staying to see my son in his parade, resulting in feeling so low. My son told me at school pick up, he didn’t even know whether I was there or not. So I told him I stayed for a little bit, but then felt unwell and had to go. And he was totally okay about that, skipping along next me, happily chattering away, as he does in his very cute and charming 5 year old way. 

I do know my emotions and thoughts this morning, were clearly unwarranted, with regard to how my son felt about it…I realise my emotions and thoughts are deeply routed in my complex trauma core wounds of shame, inflicted by all the abusers in my life.

But, I’m going to take the advice given and I will spend quality time, with activities I am able to do, activities my children love and this will be quality time.

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What I also need to be doing, is what I already know I have to start doing. ‘Positive internal dialogue’ – I still clearly cannot have, when I’m highly emotional, during situations I can’t handle, can’t control, can’t tolerate.

Particularly situations causing me shame. That’s clearly a huge trigger still. It’s always so obvious afterwards. Embarrassingly so. It’s the advice I would give anyone else. Come on, I should be able to do this by now, surely!! Yes, I used the ‘should’ word, which is a cognitive distortion too. But, I still can’t have that positive inner dialogue with myself, at all times.

More than 40 years of this negative internal dialogue, doesn’t get fixed quickly. The quote ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ springs to mind. Yep, another negative thought…

Those deep psychological wounds are still there. Shame. Not being good enough. Failure. Self hate. Guilt. All deep wounds those narcissistic/sociopathic types of abusers inflict on empathic/vulnerable prey.

I still have the voices of the past telling me I am nothing, deserve nothing, worth nothing.

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That inner critic, the internally absorbed abusers, still very much in my life.

I know I am feeling very vulnerable, very confused, very lost, abandoned, hurt, at the moment, by so much that has occurred over the last few years and all the really painful parts I have processed recently. 

Just because you intellectually process the depths of the harm caused by severe abuse – does not mean your heart, soul and emotions have dealt with it, or those core wounds are healed.

I know all I can do is keep trying.

Keep getting back up. Every time I fall. Every time I stumble.

I know it is courage and strength, to always get back up.

I guess.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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