I wonder what it’s like to feel ‘safe’.

Feeling safe, is a basic human need. I have never had this.

I’ve never felt safe.

I didn’t feel safe at all, during the first 20 years of my life.

I didn’t feel safe during the next 20 years of my life, which is why I suppressed everything.

Since the age of 40, and having my PTSD breakdown, I have felt very unsafe.

I still feel unsafe, for multiple reasons. PTSD, so anxiety, hyper vigilance etc. Inner child fears. Dissociative stuff, along with suicidal thoughts.

I have never had a feeling of ‘safety’.

Ever.

I know when I have suicidal thoughts, they occur within a dissociated type state.

People talk about suicide being selfish. On one level, I see their point. The loved ones left behind suffer, terribly. And I do not want that and I know many suicide survivors say the same.

But, I know, whenever I have ‘those’ types of thoughts, I am not capable of thinking the way I do when I am calm and rational.

I have not figured out entirely what state I am in when these dark thoughts are filling my mind. They could be due to:

1. Dissociation.

2. Emotional flashbacks.

3. Psychosis.

All these being different, but still an altered state of mind, where my thought processing is different to my normal thought/processing capacity.

I have researched suicide, and I know the emerging, latest views in the psychiatry/neuroscience world, is that suicide most often occurs when people are in an altered state of reality.

Mental health disorders such as Depression, PTSD, Bipolar – can all have psychosis, at the severe end of the spectrum.

PTSD, and maybe others (I am unsure) and trauma related mental health, can have dissociation, flashbacks.

So, when someone is in this altered state of mind, their capacity to consider the needs and emotions of others, should they endure a loved ones suicide, is not there.

Many suicide survivors and people suffering suicidal thoughts, feel very ashamed of this and confused as to how they can have these thoughts, when they have family, children, loved ones.

But, I know myself well, I have deep self insight and deep honesty about myself and I know my thoughts when my symptoms/emotions have gone too far, become altered, by my altered stated of mind.

I don’t understand people neeeding justice, to heal.

I’ve heard many victims of abuse saying they need justice to be brought against their abuser(s), to have healing.

I don’t understand this.

For me, the only reason why I believe abusers need to be dealt with appropriately, is to expose them, so those who need to know, know what they have done, and also to try to reduce the possibility of the abuser, abusing again.

I don’t need ‘justice’ to heal. Because to be quite frank, nothing that happens to them, takes away what they did to me, or takes away the deep core wounds, or my memories.

My motivation for bringing an abuser to justice, isn’t about me.

And I’m unsure as to whether this is the right way to think about this.

Or whether I just don’t care about myself enough, to believe justice needs to be brought about, for my needs, to know they had their consequences to what they did to me, because what they did to me, does need punishing.

There are some who will say the former and some the latter.

I just don’t feel the need for punishment for some kind of retribution. This is probably why I also don’t agree with vigilante groups, or offenders being targeted in prisons etc.

Those suppressing/avoiding their own trauma, should not be preaching this is needed for all.

I understand fully why people suppress their trauma. I did this for 20 years. It was too unsafe, I was too alone to deal with it.

So I did what society tells people to do – got over it, moved on, never looked back. Or at least tried my absolute best. Even my own husband did not know the details of my trauma for 10 years. Proof that I did not talk about it. I lived a highly functioning, capable life. I was suppressing all my trauma.

This for me, was the worst thing to do, but it was all I was capable of at that time, and that’s okay.

I realise for many, this is what they will do all their lives. And that’s okay too. Some can’t delve into their own trauma, their own minds and souls. And for some – to do that would kill them. It has nearly killed me, doing this.

So, I have complete compassion for anyone else doing this. It does feel a far safer place to be – suppressing and avoiding it all. Focussing on the good. Finding the positives, counting your blessings and just striving for as good a life as is possible.

I really do 100% understand this and if that is what someone needs to do all their life, I understand and I will not judge.

What I don’t like – is when people doing this – telling everyone else this is what they ‘should’ be doing. Judging others.

And I definitely don’t like it when some of these people then accuse others of ‘dwelling in their trauma’. or ‘acting the victim’, or suggesting the time span of this person being in a painful processing/grieving stage – is too long.

Some people suggest trauma survivors are ‘choosing’ to dwell.

Poem – No Relationship Safe Enough ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Poem – No Relationships Safe Enough

~ By Lilly Hope Lucario

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Vulnerable and fragile

Unsafe and scared

Residing in emotions

My inner child endures

.
No-one safe enough

So she stays withdrawn

Fearful of being hurt

All her wounds still raw

.
Everyone will hurt her

She knows not to trust

Any hint of danger

She runs and hides