Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I don’t understand people neeeding justice, to heal.

I’ve heard many victims of abuse saying they need justice to be brought against their abuser(s), to have healing.

I don’t understand this.

For me, the only reason why I believe abusers need to be dealt with appropriately, is to expose them, so those who need to know, know what they have done, and also to try to reduce the possibility of the abuser, abusing again.

I don’t need ‘justice’ to heal. Because to be quite frank, nothing that happens to them, takes away what they did to me, or takes away the deep core wounds, or my memories.

My motivation for bringing an abuser to justice, isn’t about me.

And I’m unsure as to whether this is the right way to think about this.

Or whether I just don’t care about myself enough, to believe justice needs to be brought about, for my needs, to know they had their consequences to what they did to me, because what they did to me, does need punishing.

There are some who will say the former and some the latter.

I just don’t feel the need for punishment for some kind of retribution. This is probably why I also don’t agree with vigilante groups, or offenders being targeted in prisons etc.

I’m weird I know. Many people believe if paedophiles get beaten up in prison..good. I don’t. I don’t believe in harming people back, for the sake of hurting them.

I guess I don’t believe in an ‘eye for an eye’. And I never have. I don’t want anything bad to happen to my abusers, because I am not like them. I don’t think the way do.

And I’m not judging others for feeling differently to this, I understand the pain of severe abuse, makes us all feel differently.

I do believe in abusers being kept from re-offending and ruining more lives, when it is clear they are not capable of rehabilitation. Like paedophiles and many sex offenders. But, that is to prevent more abuse and harm to others. And this is not about retribution. Or having a lack of compassion for anyone with mental health disorders.

I would like all my abusers, to have had appropriate consequences to their actions, purely because they need to know what they have done and why, otherwise there is no hope of change. But more importantly, to reduce the harm they can do to others. Because they will do it again.

In the case of narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, paedophiles – you cannot trust any unrepentant ones. It is so dangerous and unwise to trust them.

I had this thinking tested recently.

When I found out an unrepentant, lying, narc church minister was promoted to another church, with fresh new prey, my immediate reaction was panic and distress at the thought of people in that new church, being hurt, lied to, harmed and bullied and possibly worse, by narcissists. My immediate reaction of distress – was about others, not about myself. I even emailed my doctor panicking about what I could do to try to warn these people. It was days later before I recognised the implications of invalidation, non belief and further emotional abuse of this, for myself.

Maybe I don’t have enough care for myself to believe I deserve any justice for myself?

I am aware I have issues with what ‘I’ deserve, in the way of anything good.

Maybe, caring for others more than myself, is more of my issues, I don’t know?  

But, what I do know is….no matter what happens to the abusers…….it will never take away what they did me.

Or take away all the sick, vile, disgusting memories of abuse, I endured.



Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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