Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I know when I have suicidal thoughts, they occur within a dissociated type state.


People talk about suicide being selfish. On one level, I see their point. The loved ones left behind suffer, terribly. And I do not want that and I know many suicide survivors say the same.

But, I know, whenever I have ‘those’ types of thoughts, I am not capable of thinking the way I do when I am calm and rational.

I have not figured out entirely what state I am in when these dark thoughts are filling my mind. They could be due to:

1. Dissociation.

2. Emotional flashbacks.

3. Psychosis.

All these being different, but still an altered state of mind, where my thought processing is different to my normal thought/processing capacity.

I have researched suicide, and I know the emerging, latest views in the psychiatry/neuroscience world, is that suicide most often occurs when people are in an altered state of reality.

Mental health disorders such as Depression, PTSD, Bipolar – can all have psychosis, at the severe end of the spectrum.

PTSD, and maybe others (I am unsure) and trauma related mental health, can have dissociation, flashbacks.

So, when someone is in this altered state of mind, their capacity to consider the needs and emotions of others, should they endure a loved ones suicide, is not there.

Many suicide survivors and people suffering suicidal thoughts, feel very ashamed of this and confused as to how they can have these thoughts, when they have family, children, loved ones.

But, I know myself well, I have deep self insight and deep honesty about myself and I know my thoughts when my symptoms/emotions have gone too far, become altered, by my altered stated of mind.

This only happens with me, when highly distressed, or in a safety/life compromising situation. I’ve had depersonalisations type issues, when I was attacked at knife point in park, and when in a potentially life threatening near car accident on the highway and in other highly stressful situations. My brain immediately clicks to complete calm, with no emotions, and I remember it later like it is in slow motion. I still functioned fully, as this was occurring, but in a completely different state of mind, to normal. (Normal would be me freaking out).

But, I am aware, I have an altered state of mind, when I have suicidal thoughts.

So, my point of this, is to say – no I am not being ‘selfish’ whilst this is occurring. And maybe this occurs to others too.

It answers my confusion, as to how I can have completely different thoughts occurring, whilst in different emotional states.

I don’t want to die.

I don’t want my family to endure my death.

But, when I gone into that state of mind, I am not capable of thinking the same way as I can normally.

I have to add, this does scare me. Knowing this, makes me feel unsafe. And ‘unsafe’ is not a good feeling for me at all. I am not at that point of being able to control this and that causes fear in me as to what could happen.

Which is why my husband is insisting I have to continue with counselling and I agree, with this occurring, counselling would be my advice to others. Medication, if necessary.

And an understanding, our minds are working in a way that is severe, but normal for what we have endured.

Because, it is not about what’s wrong with us….but what happened to us.

There are reasons, for every single way our minds are working, having endured severe, abnormal experiences in life.

We are normal, for what we have endured.



Adding to this post.

Some responses that were good, as it helps people to explore their own reasons for their thoughts, or to validate others, who are going through similar.


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “I know when I have suicidal thoughts, they occur within a dissociated type state.

  1. Hello Lilly, I’ve recently found your website and I wanted to express how much this article and many others you have written, have helped in ways that have literally given me the ability to find the hope to take another breath. I wanted to tell you because it is the quality of connectedness, that sense of ‘me too’ that has been so important to me over the last few months. You sit somewhere in the world with your struggles and are writing words that then I read somewhere else in the world which touch me and help me know its not just me going through a very difficult healing journey. We don’t know each other, yet we are connected through your words. I just really wanted to thank you for being so courageous in sharing the more difficult side of healing and what it can be like, especially today’s post about suicidal thoughts. I have been going through this again the last few days and getting more and more distressed, confused and guilty about feeling this way. The suffering that is then heaped by mtelltop of the pain already there makes it almost unbearable to be with. Reading your words this morning when I got up, has helped me pause and find just enough space to breathe a bit deeper. I hope that all makes some sense, I just felt very moved to tell you how we can all never truly know what we do can help another. I find when in this dark difficult place that what might seem small to someone is huge to me and how much it can ease me just enough to carry-on a bit more and find that strength, hope and love inside of me again. Love to you, Jane

    • Hi Jane,

      I am so sorry you are enduring so much as well. It is pain no-one can understand, unless they have also been there, and I am always wanting others to know they are not alone in this.

      I think so many of us go through these scary, dark times and it does feel unbearable. Especially with no-one around who understands.

      I am always thankful, if my posts help anyone and I am so thankful this one has helped you.

      Much love, Lilly ❤

  2. Thank you so much! I have a dissociative disorder and have suicidal thoughts often when I am disconnected from myself. It’s so hard to explain what it means to be dissociated and honestly I rarely know I am until I ‘come back.’ When I am dissociating they only feeling I have are sadness, fear, and hopelessness. I have no capacity to feel love, shame, or even guilt which makes the suicidal thoughts seem like an OK idea. However, when I reconnected it hits me like a ton of bricks. I cry at the thought of abandoning my kids. I feel bad for them that they have such a sick mom. Only when I am connected do I think sanely enough to know-NO! Suicide is Not an option. It scares me to think something bad could happen when I am Not right and really it wouldn’t be the real me that made it happen. Usually I feel comforted knowing that I am not alone. But this time I don’t . I feel sad that anyone else goes through that misery. Hugs to all of you who do. On the bright side we all have each other. Please feel free to reach out to me. I get it.
    Love, Pearl

    • Pearl, the way you describe your dissociations/altered states is very similar to what I experience.

      Is there any information out there about cptsd and altered states? I feel like a prisoner who’s been thrown into solitary every time I experience am altered state.

      Thank you for your post and God bless you.