People talk about suicide being selfish. On one level, I see their point. The loved ones left behind suffer, terribly. And I do not want that and I know many suicide survivors say the same.
But, I know, whenever I have ‘those’ types of thoughts, I am not capable of thinking the way I do when I am calm and rational.
I have not figured out entirely what state I am in when these dark thoughts are filling my mind. They could be due to:
2. Emotional flashbacks.
All these being different, but still an altered state of mind, where my thought processing is different to my normal thought/processing capacity.
I have researched suicide, and I know the emerging, latest views in the psychiatry/neuroscience world, is that suicide most often occurs when people are in an altered state of reality.
Mental health disorders such as Depression, PTSD, Bipolar – can all have psychosis, at the severe end of the spectrum.
PTSD, and maybe others (I am unsure) and trauma related mental health, can have dissociation, flashbacks.
So, when someone is in this altered state of mind, their capacity to consider the needs and emotions of others, should they endure a loved ones suicide, is not there.
Many suicide survivors and people suffering suicidal thoughts, feel very ashamed of this and confused as to how they can have these thoughts, when they have family, children, loved ones.
But, I know myself well, I have deep self insight and deep honesty about myself and I know my thoughts when my symptoms/emotions have gone too far, become altered, by my altered stated of mind.
This only happens with me, when highly distressed, or in a safety/life compromising situation. I’ve had depersonalisations type issues, when I was attacked at knife point in park, and when in a potentially life threatening near car accident on the highway and in other highly stressful situations. My brain immediately clicks to complete calm, with no emotions, and I remember it later like it is in slow motion. I still functioned fully, as this was occurring, but in a completely different state of mind, to normal. (Normal would be me freaking out).
But, I am aware, I have an altered state of mind, when I have suicidal thoughts.
So, my point of this, is to say – no I am not being ‘selfish’ whilst this is occurring. And maybe this occurs to others too.
It answers my confusion, as to how I can have completely different thoughts occurring, whilst in different emotional states.
I don’t want to die.
I don’t want my family to endure my death.
But, when I gone into that state of mind, I am not capable of thinking the same way as I can normally.
I have to add, this does scare me. Knowing this, makes me feel unsafe. And ‘unsafe’ is not a good feeling for me at all. I am not at that point of being able to control this and that causes fear in me as to what could happen.
Which is why my husband is insisting I have to continue with counselling and I agree, with this occurring, counselling would be my advice to others. Medication, if necessary.
And an understanding, our minds are working in a way that is severe, but normal for what we have endured.
Because, it is not about what’s wrong with us….but what happened to us.
There are reasons, for every single way our minds are working, having endured severe, abnormal experiences in life.
We are normal, for what we have endured.
Adding to this post.
Some responses that were good, as it helps people to explore their own reasons for their thoughts, or to validate others, who are going through similar.