This does contain details of child sexual abuse I endured.
I read this article, and it triggered a whole lot of vile memories, of being made to ‘kiss and hug’ everyone good night, including all visitors, when I was a child.
This also included the paedophile friend of my parents, whenever he was at our house in the evening, which was frequently.
I was always made to kiss and hug everyone.
I can’t even explain, how disgusting and dirty it felt, to have to kiss him goodnight, all through the time he was also sexually abusing me. I can feel it now, having to kiss him.
I’d forgotten this, until now. I can smell his stale cigarette, old man odour, see his yellowed finger tips, of those hands that touched me in places no old mans fingers, should ever go. Those hands and arms around me. I feel the dread and then the repulsion surging through me, as I have to kiss him on his wrinkled, clammy, bristly cheek.
I was 9 years old.
And while I was being made to hug and kiss everyone goodnight, I was also being sexually abused by this paedophile, for what would be several years.
Forced to watch hardcore porn. I can feel his hands pulling my underwear down and him staring at me between my legs, his clammy hands are there too, his fingers inside me. It hurts. I can feel the zoning out I needed, to cope with these evil acts. Forced to touch him, and masterbate him. Forced to kiss ‘it’.
Around me, I can feel that gloomy room, with the curtains shut. I am in the room, I can smell stale cigarette air. I can hear him, his low groaning, the low level sex noises of the porn on the TV, and his gravelly, rasping voice, repeating how I am his ‘special little princess’ as he climaxes into a grubby towel he always used. The towel always kept next the sofa. Ready for when I was sent around to his house, by my mother.
This is the first time, I have ever divulged, these acts I was made to do, the sexual acts I endured.
I was a child. A scared, neglected girl, taken advantage of by a paedophile, who looked like a classic paedophile. Little dirty old man.
Who stole my innocence.
It is vile and disgusting and that he stole from me, something I can never have back.
My first sexual experiences, were with a paedophile.
A dirty, disgusting, vile, old man, who absolutely ‘knew’ what he was doing was wrong.
Because he kept my silence, by terrifying me with the threat – that if I ever told anyone, no-one would believe me, and I would be taken away from my family and made to live with strangers.
I am consumed with the dirty shame, through to my core now.
The dirty shame I felt then, that continues to haunt my life now.