Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Flashbacks – remembering kissing & hugging everyone goodnight, as a child. Including the paedophile.

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***Trigger Warning***

This does contain details of child sexual abuse I endured.


I read this article, and it triggered a whole lot of vile memories, of being made to ‘kiss and hug’ everyone good night, including all visitors, when I was a child.

This also included the paedophile friend of my parents, whenever he was at our house in the evening, which was frequently.

I was always made to kiss and hug everyone.

I can’t even explain, how disgusting and dirty it felt, to have to kiss him goodnight, all through the time he was also sexually abusing me. I can feel it now, having to kiss him.

I’d forgotten this, until now. I can smell his stale cigarette, old man odour, see his yellowed finger tips, of those hands that touched me in places no old mans fingers, should ever go. Those hands and arms around me. I feel the dread and then the repulsion surging through me, as I have to kiss him on his wrinkled, clammy, bristly cheek.

I was 9 years old. 

And while I was being made to hug and kiss everyone goodnight, I was also being sexually abused by this paedophile, for what would be several years.

Forced to watch hardcore porn. I can feel his hands pulling my underwear down and him staring at me between my legs, his clammy hands are there too, his fingers inside me. It hurts. I can feel the zoning out I needed, to cope with these evil acts. Forced to touch him, and masterbate him. Forced to kiss ‘it’.

Around me, I can feel that gloomy room, with the curtains shut. I am in the room, I can smell stale cigarette air. I can hear him, his low groaning, the low level sex noises of the porn on the TV, and his gravelly, rasping voice, repeating how I am his ‘special little princess’ as he climaxes into a grubby towel he always used. The towel always kept next the sofa. Ready for when I was sent around to his house, by my mother.

This is the first time, I have ever divulged, these acts I was made to do, the sexual acts I endured.

I was a child. A scared, neglected girl, taken advantage of by a paedophile, who looked like a classic paedophile. Little dirty old man.

Who stole my innocence.

It is vile and disgusting and that he stole from me, something I can never have back.

My innocence.

My first sexual experiences, were with a paedophile.

A dirty, disgusting, vile, old man, who absolutely ‘knew’ what he was doing was wrong.

Because he kept my silence, by terrifying me with the threat – that if I ever told anyone, no-one would believe me, and I would be taken away from my family and made to live with strangers.  

I am consumed with the dirty shame, through to my core now.

The dirty shame I felt then, that continues to haunt my life now.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One thought on “Flashbacks – remembering kissing & hugging everyone goodnight, as a child. Including the paedophile.

  1. Oh Lilly, it’s not your shame to carry… I know them feelings only too well though and the total devastation and self revulsion inside as you hit puberty too. Don’t carry someone else’s shame, you were a little girl and that dirty vile bastard took your innocence, don’t let him take your full life away too…
    I’ve never really wrote about the other abuses, only my abduction and rape which everyone knew about anyway, I was 8 years of age. I had to just muddle through life, no help, barring a bit of counselling when I was around 30, hence the art and music was my sanity from being a very young child to present day.
    I’m not in a relationship, I knew I had to stay on my own and separate from anything to do with sex and intimacy until I felt I’d truly healed. It’s taken 8 years so far and a lot of work on myself to find ” me ” I’m still not there I’ve realised ,as I read more and more stuff, but in my own little world, I stand strong and I’ve hopefully broken the chains to a large extent. I have a lovely family unit and a good relationship with my two grown up children and my two grandsons. I’m not great outside of here though and have bad anxiety issues still, but I’m working on them.
    I’m now thinking of asking my doc ( mmm defo can relate to you there ) for a referral to a psychologist , although I can’t really see how they could help now. At least though it would all be on record then I suppose.
    I read yesterday, that you’d made a start on your faerie garden, great stuff! 😀 I didn’t have a chance to put a comment, as I had visitors all day. but reading about the feeling you had as you gazed out at your efforts, brought a smile to my face, I know that feeling only too well, it’s addictive, but in a good way. 🙂 I’ve started a den in my back garden, I’m gathering materials together and have been doing a lot of reading up about natural buildings. It’ll be my workshop one day. 😀
    My inner child’s well catered for, maybe too well catered for eh. 😉
    Be proud of who you are Lilly and let that inner child shine through creativity. Don’t be scared to try new things on that front either, you’ll be amazed at what you can achieve if you let it flow. ! We are all gifted, we are all beautiful ” Let your beauty shine!
    Love light and healing vibes your way, have a magical day. 🙂
    Big hugs!
    Jen. xxx