Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I don’t lash out at others, instead I internalise the pain, by lashing out at myself.


I was never ‘allowed’ to be angry, or have any appropriate responses to the vile, painful, disgusting abuse I endured.

I’m still told I am not ‘allowed’ – by society, by church people.

So, I internalize it, into self hate, self shame, depression and suicidal thoughts.

I’ve been told by church people – anger means you are a ‘child of the devil’. Speaking the truth means ‘you are demonic’.

I’ve been told I must not label, or speak badly of my abusers, as that destroys ‘them,’ and that makes ‘me’ bad and instead I should just have compassion and forgiveness, because my feelings, emotions, processing trauma and grieving, don’t matter.

I have endured decades of abuse, and according to others, I am meant to deal with this quickly, for the sake of others, for ‘their’ needs, to make life comfortable and more pleasant, for ‘them’.

To others…

Abuse is far more ‘palatable’ –

If the victims would just ‘get over it’ quicker.

All of this is wrong, damaging and very unwise. And leads to more shame, guilt and blame on the victim, and takes it away from the unrepentant abuser(s).

Anger is a part of healing. It is needed to have anger.

If you don’t feel anger, then you are basically saying

what happened to you wasn’t that bad and

you are not worthy of appropriate reactions and emotions.

But, I have a huge issue with allowing myself to feel angry.

Because all my life, I have been told that is wrong,

and makes ‘me’ the bad person.

And as a result, I have never been within a

relationship ‘safe enough’, to be who I need to be, or to heal.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “I don’t lash out at others, instead I internalise the pain, by lashing out at myself.

  1. Pingback: Feeling Emotions | Shadows Of The Night

  2. I feel so much for you – the little tiny girl who had to go along to get along – I experienced the same and had a mother who ignored what was going on by going emotionally blank and denying everything, always being told I was too sensitive, that I must have “asked” for “it”, and a number of other textbook phrases that those kind of people always use to keep control over their little person.

    I have learned through many years of self-therapy, that there are simply some things that cannot be forgiven or forgotten. We might be able to put them in their proper place in our minds and hearts, but to be told to forgive something so unforgiveable, but yet at the same time told we must love our abuser and forgive if we are to move forward. I disagree so strongly with that.

    You are such a brave young woman – keep telling your story dear. It’s one that MUST be told, over and over, until it STOPS. I’m just an old lady now, but the memories are as deep and severe and strong as they ever were. Grateful for my wonderful partner. He has sustained me through a lot of change.

    I wish you all the wellness in the world. Bless you.

  3. This is an interesting post for me to read today. My mum rang me today and I told her that a few things she said to me yesterday were hurtful. The discussion escalated, although I remained measured in my responses. She very quickly began to wail down the phone to me like I was picking on her, it was emotionally manipulative and I saw right through it. I’ve been papering over her hurtful comments and swallowing the criticism for years, and I’m not prepared to do it anymore. It’s come as a bit of a shock to her. Hopefully we can salvage some kind of relationship but the ball is now in her court. I imagine she’s telling everyone who will listen how hurtful I’ve been (I was careful not to speak in anger).

  4. WOW! Lily, you wrote my story. Painfully true and very lonely. I’m so sorry. Please keep writing. You speak the truth.