I was never ‘allowed’ to be angry, or have any appropriate responses to the vile, painful, disgusting abuse I endured.
I’m still told I am not ‘allowed’ – by society, by church people.
So, I internalize it, into self hate, self shame, depression and suicidal thoughts.
I’ve been told by church people – anger means you are a ‘child of the devil’. Speaking the truth means ‘you are demonic’.
I’ve been told I must not label, or speak badly of my abusers, as that destroys ‘them,’ and that makes ‘me’ bad and instead I should just have compassion and forgiveness, because my feelings, emotions, processing trauma and grieving, don’t matter.
I have endured decades of abuse, and according to others, I am meant to deal with this quickly, for the sake of others, for ‘their’ needs, to make life comfortable and more pleasant, for ‘them’.
Abuse is far more ‘palatable’ –
If the victims would just ‘get over it’ quicker.
All of this is wrong, damaging and very unwise. And leads to more shame, guilt and blame on the victim, and takes it away from the unrepentant abuser(s).
Anger is a part of healing. It is needed to have anger.
If you don’t feel anger, then you are basically saying
what happened to you wasn’t that bad and
you are not worthy of appropriate reactions and emotions.
But, I have a huge issue with allowing myself to feel angry.
Because all my life, I have been told that is wrong,
and makes ‘me’ the bad person.
And as a result, I have never been within a
relationship ‘safe enough’, to be who I need to be, or to heal.
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
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