Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


1 Comment

An example of my conflicting needs – validation.

The wise old soul part of me, knows seeking validation from people, is not wise, is not needed and the only person I need validation from, is Jesus. And myself.

But, the hurt inner child needs I have, means I do seek validation, and I always have.

I have a habit now, of adding comments that professionals have stated about what I write, to my posts. I just did this. And stopped and thought about why I am doing this.

It’s that need, not only for myself to have that validation from professional people that I do have insight and intelligence, but also to show others this too. I always have that underlying fear that people think badly of me.

I know why I do this. Too many people putting me down all my life. Too much abuse. Too many treating like I am unworthy of anything good. Too many calling me crazy and all the other names I have endured. Continue reading


2 Comments

Exposing an abuser and taking legal action….is actually in the abusers best interests.

I know abuse is increasing. I’ve done my research. I know a lot about why. I know a lot about abusive types of people.

Abuse, is evil. I don’t tolerate abuse. I don’t condone abuse. I don’t enable abuse. This is more evil.

This does *not* mean I do not have compassion for the reasons abusers, abuse.

I have blogged about my compassion for abusers, their mental health issues, and how I wish I could change them, heal them,  for ‘their’ sakes, as well as their victims.

But, that isn’t reality, and I know the reality, that abusers – abuse and abuse is increasing and this is not okay.

I believe in exposing abusers. Not for revenge. Not for retribution. But to help stop abuse from continuing, because for those with those certain personality disorders/traits and disorders like paedophilia, they will continue abusing. And only a fool, trusts them to stop.

I believe in going to the police and legal action being taken. Because, it is necessary to try to stop abusers, make them face their actions, to inform those, who need to know – especially the police, to have the information necessary to deal with it legally and as appropriately, as possible.

This is not about lack of forgiveness. Some will try to say it is.

Forgiveness – is never meant to be about ignoring abuse,

and avoiding dealing with it appropriately.

And forgiveness is not about blindly trusting them to stop.

Or accepting, what you know is a false apology.

Forgiveness, is not about cheap grace.   

Continue reading


4 Comments

People with no conscience, no empathy, no remorse…never ‘genuinely’ admit the harm they cause.

This has definitely been a part of my journey.

I absolutely know narcissists will never admit or face up to the harm they have caused. They can pretend, if they have to and can fool many in doing this, and it would only be for their own reasons/needs. Not for the victim. It is never genuine remorse.

I know and have seen this in play, all too often. Manipulation – and other people falling for it.

A classic non genuine narc apology “I’m sorry you got hurt”. Not….”I’m sorry I hurt you.” And during the 20 minutes prior to this apology, the issue to these narcs, was ‘only’ about their image and their distress at how ‘other people would know’, I was called ‘demonic’, and everything denied, minimized, excused, and narc rage shown. No concern for me, at all. All of which has been witnessed by others, who agreed, this is narcissistic behaviour.

I didn’t need to be told what this was, I already knew myself, as the words spewed from the wolf’s mouth, it was a fake, non genuine apology, from a weak narcissist, who projects all his own issues as a man, onto others. And my previous counsellor agreed. She knew my capacity, to pick up on lies, narcissism, non genuine hearts and the words that come out of their mouths, and the reasons why.

This is just one example of many I have seen in my life, where apologies are not real, not genuine and are self serving, with no remorse, no conscience, no empathy for those harmed.

And I see so clearly all those around who fall for it. Or rather – want to accept the narc is genuinely apologising – to make life easier. Again, no empathy for the victim. They are apaths, colluding and going along with the narc, for their own reasons too.

NEVER trust an unrepentant narcissist,

or sociopath, psychopath,

paedophile.

You are a FOOL, if you do,

an APATH if you don’t care,

or apply cheap grace.

And you are ABUSING the victim further,

even if unintentionally.


14 Comments

I don’t have to keep your dirty secrets, anymore.

Throughout my 43 years, I have never had anyone in my life, care enough to want to know about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.

I’ve used the term paedophile, and people just assume what happened. But, no-one has ever asked me if I need to share the details. My mother didn’t care. She was too busy blaming me for the paedophile abusing my sister. I have nightmares still about seeing him abusing her.

Since childhood, no-one has ever wanted to know if I need to share these details.

So, they remained a dirty, vile, shameful secret inside me.

Secrets my inner child still feels, still has deep fear about.

Secrets my inner child still feels deep shame, blame and guilt about.

Even in counselling, it’s been made clear that exposure therapy, is not appropriate, and I’ve always agreed with that. Until now. Yes, exposure therapy can be re-traumatising. But, keeping ‘secrets’ can be damaging. I think I only went along with not wanting to go down the track of exposure therapy, because it served my unhealthy need for avoidance and kept that shame within me, of not ‘telling’. it kept that shame within me, still going.

I know this is partly about my unmet childhood needs. I needed a mother I could tell. And I didn’t have that. Instead I was severely abused further, with being blamed for my sister being abused. Every child needs someone they can tell. Someone safe. Someone they can trust. I didn’t have that. I’ve never had anyone I can trust, for my inner child to tell the dirty secrets to. Continue reading