Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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Empathy impoverished therapy. What Complex Trauma survivors ‘need’ within Christian therapy.

This is work by Pete Walker, someone very insightful into complex trauma and the needs of the client. He is a complex trauma survivor himself, and it is my opinion, that only another survivor truly understands and knows, what another survivor feels and needs.

Click to access relationalHealingComplexPTSD.pdf

A child with parents, who are unable or unwilling to provide safe enough attachment, has no one to whom she can bring her whole developing self. No one is there for reflection, validation and guidance. No one is safe enough to go to for comfort or help in times of trouble. There is no one to cry to, to protest unfairness to, to seek commiseration from for hurts, mistakes, accidents, and betrayals. No one is safe enough to shine with, to do “show and tell” with, to be reflected as a subject of pride…to even practice the all-important intimacy-building skills of conversation.

In the paraphrased words of more than one of my clients: “Talking to Mom was like giving ammunition to the enemy. Anything I said could and would be used against me. People always tell me that I don’t seem to have much to say for myself.”

Those with Complex PTSD-spawned attachment disorders never learn the communication skills that engender closeness and a sense of belonging. When it comes to relating, they are typically plagued by debilitating social anxiety, and social phobia when they are at the severe end of the continuum of PTSD. Many of the clients who come through my door have never had a safe enough relationship.

Repetition compulsion has compelled them to unconsciously seek out relationships in adulthood that traumatically re-enact the abusive and/or abandoning dynamics of their childhood caretakers. For many such clients, we are their first legitimate shot at a safe and nurturing relationship; and if we are not skilled enough to create the degree of safety they need to begin the long journey towards developing good enough trust, we may be their last. Continue reading


Reading this, explains why I feel disconnected, numb…

My last blog, I stated about my numb, disconnected state.

The overwhelming info I have processed recently about the deeper impact of childhood sexual abuse, has put me into a kind of shock state.



Some adult sexual abuse survivors report a period of withdrawal and shutting down from the world where they lose energy, collapse, and may want to sleep or hide. This reaction is a sign of trauma and relates to how the ANS evokes a survival method of being in a “freeze” state in an effort (often unsuccessful) of anticipating and escaping the terror of possible opportunities of further sexual abuse. In this reaction the victim may also dissociate or “split-off” to accentuate the withdrawal process from the world and from possible further abuse (Ogden:2008). Hypo-arousal was found in trauma studies by Lanius, as noted by Ogden(2008), to occur in about one third of the abuse victims.

Hypo-arousal can cause losses in memory, motor weakness in the body, paralysis, numbness of feelings and sensations, confusion states, and deficits in attention(Ogden:2008). Victims often report a sense of separation from their body, no sensation in parts of their body, and an appearance of passivity. Continue reading

Doing what I am supposed to be doing….but in a completely numb, disconnected state.

I am aware, I am in a numb state, nearly all the time now.

Since the latest processing, of even deeper psychological harm caused me, that has affected my whole life…I just can’t deal with it. I was already suicidal prior to all this. I am past my limit now.

How do you process all the trauma, all the abusers and what they did, and then realise because of all they did, you have also been abusing yourself all this time, letting people harm you, by not staying away, putting yourself in dangerous situations, hanging around with abusive people.

I can’t even process the words – re-enacting abuse, masochism, compulsion to repeat trauma.

All this time, I’ve thought I was strong, a survivor…and all along I was hurting myself, over and over. Continuing what all the abusers started and letting more hurt me repeatedly.

I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. Continue reading

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Emotional Self Harm & Lack Of Self Care

A post to my page..

~~~ Emotional Self Harm ~~~

Do you find that you know what you ‘should’ do to help with self care and wellbeing…but just feel unable to do it?

I find that I plan and expect too much for my current capacity.

I think part of this, is because I never learned self care and healthy behaviours, plus I used to be highly functioning – so I feel a failure now and also due to feeling continually exhausted.

But….I also know it because I have always had emotional self harm issues, with setting myself up with unrealistic expectations, which subconsciously I know I will fail, and then I hate myself.

This is common with complex trauma survivors, especially those who have been harmed in prolonged abuse by narcissists/psychopaths and those scapegoated by parents.

Emotional self harm, is not obvious like physical self harm e.g. cutting.

But, emotional self harm, can cause just as much harm, is harder to understand and therefore, more difficult to accept we are doing to ourselves. And I believe emotional self harm, is probably as much, if not more prevalent in complex trauma survivors, than physical self harm…..but is rarely talked about – due to not being visible and not understood by many.

I also realise my reasons for doing what is considered healthy – like exercise, were previously not for healthy reasons, it was also a form of self punishment/perfectionism issues (I was a gym junkie) and also because I needed to ‘look’ as perfect as I could, and yet never looked ‘good enough’.
It was never about my health and wellbeing.Now I don’t have my unhealthy reasons to eat well, exercise etc, I have no driving force to do it regularly. Because I clearly don’t care about myself enough to do it regularly for my healthy wellbeing.

Continue reading


Got out into nature today.

I like being surrounded by nature, near water, so today we went to the local dam, for a walk.

We enjoyed it and need to do this more.

Some pictures, taken on my phone.

DSC_0002           DSC_0005

DSC_0007             DSC_0008 Continue reading

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Numbing…..helps me cope, with the severity of all the heinous abuse, I have endured.