Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Waves of crushing sadness, for being unable to write about joy and happiness.

When I find amazing blogs, where incredibly talented writers, create these beautiful poems, or share beautiful photos, that speak of joy, happiness and delighting in all the good in life…great waves of sadness and grieving come over me.

I can’t write that way. I have written poems, not well, but they resonate with people suffering.

But, I have no capacity to sit and write something joyful.

My capacity to write in such detail, about the darker sides of life, is terribly sad. And I feel sadness and grieving for myself. My whole life has been woven together – with enduring abuse, coping with complex PTSD and painful emotions, self hatred, and dark despair never far from the surface. Even the times I believed were good, I now realised were all tainted with this darkness.

I am aware, what I write is needed, helpful and inspiring to people who need it. But it’s hardly joyful, pleasant topics.

“How to have emotional boundaries with narcissists’, ‘my current coping with suicidal thoughts’, ‘how to deal with lack of empathy and mental health stigma’, or ‘how to survive flashbacks of terrifying abuse’…..hardly qualifies as joyful.

But, this is my life.

Decades of dealing with trauma, abuse and PTSD, is in no way a joyful life. It is in no way a life, that creates an ability to focus on the exquisite beauty of life, I do comprehend and know is there, because others feel it.

But, I can’t.

And it wasn’t and isn’t, a choice.

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The power of kind, compassionate words, where people feel understood, believed, safe and supported.

This was a message to my Facebook page, from a wonderful, courageous women, who is still battling her abuser, via the courts and found the strength and courage to stand up for herself, because she felt supported, by my community.

I had tears reading this, tears of love, for this lady and I am So proud of her! ❤ ❤ ❤

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 “I am amazed at your courage Lilly. This page has made a huge difference in my life. Yesterday I had such a hard day and I had posted on here. I had not read your reply yet as I had to go, but I knew you would post one because I read this page all the time.

When I sat in front of two lawyers yesterday who were just doing their job “without much empathy…” in my opinion, I kept thinking….”some one cares…some one gets it…….and thought of this page, Lilly and the group”…..I cannot tell you the strength it gave me to quietly speak up for myself, I felt like you were all there with me.

I cried a bit, I always do……while I speak, as I get overwhelmed and triggered…and the lawyers were scrambling for tissues and saying things like “OH,,,you seem so overly distressed, you have to see some one for that…you need professional help and support”…………..and I calmly said “actually, I think I am on par with my distress level for what I have been through, and as the expert of myself, feel comfortable with that…thanks”…..

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Curbing my obsession with tweaking my website….

I am someone who is an all or nothing, kind a woman. I know why, it’s all part of who I am due to my life.

It can have advantages, because I am capable of putting in a huge amount of effort into something I am passionate about and feel is needed.

It can have it’s disadvantages, because it takes over and becomes almost an obsession and I also use it as a very understandable means of avoiding the trauma/pain still not healed, still swirling around my PTSD brain/mind.

Is it avoidance, freeze or flight trauma response, perfectionism, bipolar type behaviours….yeah probably all of them. Possible stuff I don’t know too.

But, it is also completely understandable, for anyone dealing with such severe trauma processing and grieving.

As I keep reminding myself,

It’s not what is *wrong* with me…

It is about what *happened* to me

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