Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Waves of crushing sadness, for being unable to write about joy and happiness.

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When I find amazing blogs, where incredibly talented writers, create these beautiful poems, or share beautiful photos, that speak of joy, happiness and delighting in all the good in life…great waves of sadness and grieving come over me.

I can’t write that way. I have written poems, not well, but they resonate with people suffering.

But, I have no capacity to sit and write something joyful.

My capacity to write in such detail, about the darker sides of life, is terribly sad. And I feel sadness and grieving for myself. My whole life has been woven together – with enduring abuse, coping with complex PTSD and painful emotions, self hatred, and dark despair never far from the surface. Even the times I believed were good, I now realised were all tainted with this darkness.

I am aware, what I write is needed, helpful and inspiring to people who need it. But it’s hardly joyful, pleasant topics.

“How to have emotional boundaries with narcissists’, ‘my current coping with suicidal thoughts’, ‘how to deal with lack of empathy and mental health stigma’, or ‘how to survive flashbacks of terrifying abuse’…..hardly qualifies as joyful.

But, this is my life.

Decades of dealing with trauma, abuse and PTSD, is in no way a joyful life. It is in no way a life, that creates an ability to focus on the exquisite beauty of life, I do comprehend and know is there, because others feel it.

But, I can’t.

And it wasn’t and isn’t, a choice.

Self sorrowing and grieving, is something Pete Walker speaks about and I realise, I have to go through this.

And I realise too, 4 decades of trauma, abuse and coping with complex PTSD, is a massive amount of grieving.

I struggle to believe it will ever end. I struggle to believe I will ever feel that joy others feel.

It’s hard to imagine, or believe you will have something, you have never known.

These waves of sadness have come over me, crushing my soul.

Those realisations, and the brutal weight of depression bears down upon my fragile, tired being.

The raw and cutting pain in my heart, of all the cruel devastating harm and abuse, so many people chose to inflict upon me.

Ripping away, destroying my capacity to feel joy and instead burdening my entire life, with trauma, pain and coping with complex PTSD.

It is terribly sad and terribly painful.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “Waves of crushing sadness, for being unable to write about joy and happiness.

  1. Even when the waves come in and crush your soul…
    Your soul still lives…
    Your soul is resiliant when we cannot be
    The soul can go on when we can’t
    And…
    At the edge of the ocean of crashing waves is a calm that comes after the storm.
    Inside you is that calm
    Your soul still awaits for you
    The real you…
    To return.
    e.c.c. 2freebutterflies FB

  2. Many survivors never even hear of such concepts as “no contact” until they reach your site. Little by little they put up boundaries and start to recover until one day they realize they really and truly call allow themselves to go “no contact” It is like a happy dream. Them they re read Luke 17 3 4 and realize the abusers are not sorry and have no intention of stopping the abuse. it is fine to forgive them but it is also fine to keep the no contact.
    Trust me…your writing brings joy!!!! ❤

    • Thank you ❤

      I am always so thankful when anything I write and share, helps others. I know it's needed and there needs to be people who can reach out in this way.

      I had a similar comment on Facebook, when I shared this blog..

      "Your writing is beautiful, because it is so truthful. You may not know it, but your honesty is the most precious pearl of great reward, shining brightly in the shadow side of family life. That to me is Joyful, inspiring and incredibly helpful. Thank You. xx "

      I won't stop helping others, because it is my passion and I don't want people to feel alone in this journey.