Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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I am who I needed when I was younger, I don’t tolerate/condone/enable abuse & I have empathy & courage.


I have become, who I needed when I was younger.

I don’t tolerate/condone/enable abuse.

I have courage to deal with abuse appropriately.

I don’t deny, minimize, ignore, justify abuse.

I believe people when they say what happened to them.

I understand how devastating abuse is.

I’m not apathetic, or egocentric, or weak.

I understand the destruction and soul wounding impact that narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, paedophiles etc, cause to their victims/prey.

I don’t re-victimise survivors, with further abuse.

I am honest and real.

I don’t pretend to be something I am not.

I help people, as much as I can.

I understand how horrific, terminal aloneness can feel.

I love and know Jesus.


A life of subjection to ‘abuser protection’.

My life, has involved a lot of abuse. It is common and there are psychological reasons, why child abuse survivors, are far more vulnerable to further abuse in adulthood, and this has been the case for me.

The first 20 years of my life, were horrendous. My mother and step father, were abusers, who set me up to be abused. This was worse than abuser protection, is was the biggest betrayal a child can ever endure. the abuse I endured was horrific. My sisters are still in denial so are abuser protectors, defending their parents. 

I had a first marriage with domestic violence – physical violence, emotional abuse, financial abuse. My ex was an alcoholic, with a gambling addiction and enabling parents. So, everything become my fault. Even when beaten up by him. The two black eyes and split lip, were ‘my fault’, according to him and his parents.

I was bullied in work, eventually those people were sacked, due to fraud and there people who fully believed me. But, there were those who trashed me for stepping up and daring to report them.

I was abused my a church minister, and for two years, was subjected to spiritual abuse, minimization, abuser protecting, denial, scapegoating abuse, rejection, non belief, bullying, abandonment, trivialisation, cheap grace (which is abuse to the victim) and every single person involved, all the so called ‘mature Christians’ people I brought into this, failed me, caused further abuse on some level, some far greater than others – but ‘all’ further abused me emotionally. And the minister has been ‘promoted’ – the ultimate in ‘abuser protecting’, in fact a common issue of ‘raising up an abuser’ prevailed. My Christian doctor, stated in an email when I told her of this terrible news “I can understand why you are so distressed and I do not believe the Baptist Church have made a good decision”.

Too right it was a bad decision, and a complete failure by all involved and quite frankly I am aware none of them give a shit. It is evil prevailing. Abuse is evil. Raising up unrepentant abusers, is evil prevailing. And they all went along with it.

(see here for evidence of how much perpetrator protection goes on in organised Christianity, and this should not only apply to sexual abuse, it should apply to all forms of abuse http://www.marydemuth.com/perpetrators/ )

I placed myself into positions of vulnerability every time I have had the courage to deal with this. It takes great courage, which requires vulnerability, to deal with abusive people in an appropriate way. I have that courage, I have that capacity to be vulnerable – to do what is right and needed. I have the courage to be vulnerable, to be honest about things that are embarrassing, deeply uncomfortable and painful – to make the right choices.

I will be told no doubt by some, I have ‘too great a sense of responsibility’, or claim it’s just ‘drama’ or whatever other nasty shit they want to hurt me with.

Bullshit, people just want to think that, so they

can justify to themselves their own lack

of courage and integrity to do what’s right.


They don’t have the courage I have,

so will find something negative in what I

do and who I am, to pull me down,

so they can appease their own conscience

and lack of courage, failures.


Sure, stay in denial, it’s easier there.


But don’t you dare try to bring me down

and hurt me more,

because of *your* own inner shame.

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Tears, listening to Brene Brown’s TED Talk on Vulnerability, Shame, Courage.


This is the first time I have listened/watched this. And there were tears.

I can’t even begin to say how much I agree with everything she says about shame, vulnerability and courage, all being connected.

How society says vulnerability is weakness, and it isn’t at all. It takes great courage to be vulnerable.

I put myself in situations of being vulnerable, all the time. In the last few years, I’ve done it to expose a narc minister, a fraud sociopath claiming to have cancer/PTSD & more recently a narc/lying page admin.

I told everyone I have PTSD and I am open about all of who I am. Which takes great courage and has absolutely put me in a place of vulnerability.


And I have received ‘messages’ from many, how this is wrong. How it is weakness to have PTSD or speak about it and had weak people use that as a scapegoat for their own failings.

I’ve been told my boundaries aren’t good enough, I shouldn’t expose abusers, I shouldn’t write about myself so openly. I’ve been ridiculed, mocked, disbelieved, ignored, shamed, put down, lied about, and told that everything I am, is wrong.

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My healing….is not dependent on anything from the abusers.

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A post that went down well on my page and a message I really wanted to get across for many victims of abuse.

To my abusers….

You can be angry, have rage, say all you like, lie all you like, deny all you like…

I know I have every right to be totally honest, and I will…

Including about you.

This is my courage and strength, to be really honest.

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Need inspiration, so Brene Brown’s TED talks on shame, vulnerability, courage & ignoring critics.

I have added 4 TED talks to my Website @ http://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/#!shame-guilt-blame/clyd

I believe you do need to have vulnerability, to have courage and I wrote about this today..

“Courage, is only formed, by allowing yourself to be vulnerable.”

Whether it be going into a burning house to try to save someone’s life, to tell the truth about something that you did wrong, or expose an abuser.

Each situation, means you need courage, to do something right and face something potentially unpleasant and negative that could happen to you.

So, you have to become vulnerable to do this.

People who lie, which is abuse, have no courage.  (and I don’t mean lying in a situation of danger).

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Had this amazing quote/poster sent to me today. Theodore Roosevelt ‘It’s not the critic..


I looked this up, to see why this was written….O love to learn and educate myself. This is from Wikipedia..

Citizenship in a Republic is the title of a speech given by the former President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt at the Sorbonne in Paris, France on April 23, 1910.[1]

One notable passage on page seven of the 35-page speech is referred to as “The Man in the Arena”:[2][3]

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points

out how the strong man stumbles,

or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;

but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions;

who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,

and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails

while daring greatly, so that his place shall never

be with those cold and timid souls who

neither know victory nor defeat.


Someone who is heavily involved in a situation that requires courage, skill, or tenacity (as opposed to someone sitting on the sidelines and watching), is sometimes referred to as “the man in the arena.”

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It is quite bizarre, how much crap you get, for being someone willing to expose harmful people.

We truly do live a perpetrator protecting society.

Exposing an abusive person is considered by some, to be ‘drama’….

I don’t think the future victims, would see it that way, if they were able to know what you protected them from. I think they would be very thankful someone stepped up and dealt with it.

I find the levels of egocentricity, selfishness, lack of moral courage, lack of integrity to do right, willingness to ignore abuse, and avoid any social or emotional responsibility to do something….really hard to deal with.

I’ve dealt with people walking all over me, all my life.

Now, I don’t. I don’t look for it, but If ‘drama’ – abuse/harm – comes my way, I will deal with it. And I do get crap in return for this. Bizarre.

Why can’t people see that this is wisdom, this is compassion for future victims, this is moral/social integrity, this is helping to reduce abuse and being unselfish? Continue reading