My life, has involved a lot of abuse. It is common and there are psychological reasons, why child abuse survivors, are far more vulnerable to further abuse in adulthood, and this has been the case for me.
The first 20 years of my life, were horrendous. My mother and step father, were abusers, who set me up to be abused. This was worse than abuser protection, is was the biggest betrayal a child can ever endure. the abuse I endured was horrific. My sisters are still in denial so are abuser protectors, defending their parents.
I had a first marriage with domestic violence – physical violence, emotional abuse, financial abuse. My ex was an alcoholic, with a gambling addiction and enabling parents. So, everything become my fault. Even when beaten up by him. The two black eyes and split lip, were ‘my fault’, according to him and his parents.
I was bullied in work, eventually those people were sacked, due to fraud and there people who fully believed me. But, there were those who trashed me for stepping up and daring to report them.
I was abused my a church minister, and for two years, was subjected to spiritual abuse, minimization, abuser protecting, denial, scapegoating abuse, rejection, non belief, bullying, abandonment, trivialisation, cheap grace (which is abuse to the victim) and every single person involved, all the so called ‘mature Christians’ people I brought into this, failed me, caused further abuse on some level, some far greater than others – but ‘all’ further abused me emotionally. And the minister has been ‘promoted’ – the ultimate in ‘abuser protecting’, in fact a common issue of ‘raising up an abuser’ prevailed. My Christian doctor, stated in an email when I told her of this terrible news “I can understand why you are so distressed and I do not believe the Baptist Church have made a good decision”.
Too right it was a bad decision, and a complete failure by all involved and quite frankly I am aware none of them give a shit. It is evil prevailing. Abuse is evil. Raising up unrepentant abusers, is evil prevailing. And they all went along with it.
(see here for evidence of how much perpetrator protection goes on in organised Christianity, and this should not only apply to sexual abuse, it should apply to all forms of abuse http://www.marydemuth.com/perpetrators/ )
I placed myself into positions of vulnerability every time I have had the courage to deal with this. It takes great courage, which requires vulnerability, to deal with abusive people in an appropriate way. I have that courage, I have that capacity to be vulnerable – to do what is right and needed. I have the courage to be vulnerable, to be honest about things that are embarrassing, deeply uncomfortable and painful – to make the right choices.
I will be told no doubt by some, I have ‘too great a sense of responsibility’, or claim it’s just ‘drama’ or whatever other nasty shit they want to hurt me with.
Bullshit, people just want to think that, so they
can justify to themselves their own lack
of courage and integrity to do what’s right.
They don’t have the courage I have,
so will find something negative in what I
do and who I am, to pull me down,
so they can appease their own conscience
and lack of courage, failures.
Sure, stay in denial, it’s easier there.
But don’t you dare try to bring me down
and hurt me more,
because of *your* own inner shame.
I have endured 43 years, of abuser protecting, by many people.
Which is further abuse.
Cutting further into the wounds of abuse survivors, twisting the knife, causing more pain.
I am aware, my experiences of all this, give me insight into how disgusting it is, how horrendous it is for victims, how weak and pathetic people truly are and how abusers really are treated better then their victims.
Far too many in society and organised Christianity, *choose* to harm abuse survivors more.
And protect abusers.
I see this very clearly and it why abuse will continue to rise.
And I am not okay with that, because I have empathy and compassion for every single one of those who will be abused.