I made a decision, to try hard to move on from all the spiritual and emotional abuse I have endured, from a minister, church and all the people involved. Some of whom, absolutely intentionally abused me, and some unintentionally. But, the fact remains, it doesn’t ‘matter’ whether intentional or not, the hurt, harm and abuse is still painful.
People who think that the
consequences and pain of abuse,
are somehow ‘less’ because they didn’t
‘intend’ to hurt you,
only believe this for their own needs,
to feel less responsible and
feel better about themselves.
The harm and pain of abuse is equal, regardless of intentionality.
And I have every right to have felt intense emotions about all this. To feel hurt, pain, betrayal, abused, abandoned, rejected and deep grieving. I don’t need anyone’s permission, or approval or validation, to my needed and appropriate emotions and reactions. Anyone who thinks differently – again – this is their own self serving needs.
I made a decision, to move on from all this,
because I cannot deal with a
corrupt, abusive religious system,
where no-one involved has the
to step up with you.
I realised, I cannot do this on my own, and I don’t have to. Many others were brought into it – and they all failed to deal with it. Failed God, failed me, failed future victims. Of course, they will all deny that. It takes courage to be honest and accept failure. Not something most are capable of. They will all be more concerned with reputations, towing the line, protecting the churches reputation, perpetrator protecting, failing to step up and using the excuse they ‘had to stay within the boundaries of their specific roles’. Yeah bullshit, perfect excuse that. Your boundaries of your role are more important than God? Sounds like your boundaries of your role, are your idol. All of these issues, are your idols. They will all remain in denial of that and that is ‘their’ issues.
In order to move on, I have to accept that I cannot alone – deal with this corruption and lack of spiritual courage/maturity.
In order to move on, I had to accept – when more people start being abused in another church, abused by narcissists, bullied, shamed, encouraged to physically abuse their children – this is *NOT* my fault, it’s theirs. And not my sole responsibility to take this matter further.
In order to move on, I have to climb out of this dark pit they all pushed me much further down (them all harming my healing greatly in the process) and start to focus on other things.
In order to move on, I have to allow time to help me lesson the pain, for the grieving to subside.
In order to move on, I have to know Jesus will help me through this and I have felt like I am being gently prompted to accept my role in it all, is over and I need to move on. And that Jesus knows I did my absolute best and was prepared to go as far as I possibly could and go through all that occurred, for Him, with Him.
I have felt very calm about this, since making this decision and I know I will move on.
It is now time, and I know that,
because it sits well with my soul.
❤ Jesus ❤