My Website, Blog, are a deep reflection of who I am.

My Website and Blog have been described as many things, all of which are a reflection of who I am, because they are my writing, from my heart. They are both continuing to evolve, grow, expand and this is a reflection of me too.

I have had mental health professionals describe them as;

Rare, unique, quality, passionate, engaged,

practical, clear, insightful, real, raw,

inspirational, encouraging, needed, vital,

wonderful, honest, educated, intelligent,

knowledgeable, wisdom, compassionate,

courageous, kindness, hopeful and

unusual depth of understanding

of a new and complex

field of psychology.

These are all a reflection of who I am. Because everything I author, write, express, is me. From my heart and soul.

I am so OVER people making excuses for abusers.

I am very sensitive about his now.

As soon as I sense anyone, is heading down the ‘excuses’ ‘justification’ ‘abuser protecting’ road….

I avoid them like the plague. I will just block, delete and ignore them.

I live in reality. I know the reality, I have endured too many abusive people. They knew what they were doing, they knew it was wrong. They made choices. The lied. They denied.

And they fucked up my entire life with severe abuse over decades.

So right now, if anyone wants to start flaunting their views contrary to this, in my face….I either want to cry, start feeling fear, or want to tell them that their views are further abuse to me and how dare they feel entitled to do that and go try developing some empathy. The latter doesn’t happen often, because there is no point. They won’t listen anyway.

Why I am so sensitive about this.

Because I have dealt with this crap MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE.

No ‘pre-trauma’ me. I don’t know how that feels.

My trauma and PTSD have been since childhood onwards. So, unlike a lot of PTSD sufferers, I don’t have a ‘pre-trauma’ me.

It must be very hard for those who had trauma in adulthood, and PTSD has changed life considerably, from one pre-trauma person, to a post-trauma person.

I can empathise, that must be very hard to come to terms with and the pre-trauma person, needs to be grieved.

It is also very painful, to not ever have had a ‘pre-trauma’ life.

I don’t know what it is like, to not be a trauma survivor.

I don’t know what it is like to not have PTSD and Complex PTSD.

I don’t know what it is like to not feel fear, anxiety, hypervigilance, insomnia, nightmares, fear of trust, fear of abandonment, severe depression, low self worth, self hate never far from the surface, various forms of emotional self harm etc.

It has all been in my life, every single day, from early childhood, with no break. Ever.

My entire life, has been about surviving trauma and PTSD.

Why I should not procrastinate…

It’s father’s day today, and this is never a good day for me. The hurt within me, from my own childhood, abandoned by my birth father, abused by my step father…plus all the processing and grieving that has occurred over the last 2 years.

So, emotional flashbacks, hurting inner child, hives, anxiety, stress….all heightened.

My husband is working 8-4am, today.

And being someone who now puts everything off until the last minute, due to my need now for avoidance and dissociation, I left buying gifts for hubby, until today.

How stupid was that!?

This means, going to the shops (which I hate when stressed), with my two boys. I never take my boys to the shops together any more, as it’s too stressful. Yes, I’m that crap as a mother these days. I can’t manage things like going to the shops with both my children.

And here comes the shame…

So, following a chat with both boys about behaving, with a promise that they could have lunch out ‘if they behaved. (Yes poor parenting skills, I know…heap on a bit more shame).

Off we went, my two boys, myself and my ever present unwanted friends; anxiety, hypervigilance and hives…..

Allowing my inner child to hurt, to feel scared and telling her it’s okay, she’s safe now.

I acknowledge my hurt inner child. I know this is a part of who I am due to my horrible childhood.

I know when my inner child is hurting, because I start feeling emotional, hurt, scared, lonely, vulnerable, fragile, needy and lost. I also know this is emotional flashbacks and I am pretty good at knowing when I am having these now.

I know, not to suppress this, but allow it, and also to have gentle, compassionate, self talk.

My inner child, is never going to have her unmet needs, met. She is never going to have a person in her life, who she feels safe enough with – like a child is meant to feel safe with her parents. And I allow myself to feel that and grieve that.

But, it really hurts. It feels like the very core of my being, is in pain. And it is.

The child I was, became the foundation of my entire life, the basis for who I grew into as an adult.