Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

No ‘pre-trauma’ me. I don’t know how that feels.


My trauma and PTSD have been since childhood onwards. So, unlike a lot of PTSD sufferers, I don’t have a ‘pre-trauma’ me.

It must be very hard for those who had trauma in adulthood, and PTSD has changed life considerably, from one pre-trauma person, to a post-trauma person.

I can empathise, that must be very hard to come to terms with and the pre-trauma person, needs to be grieved.

It is also very painful, to not ever have had a ‘pre-trauma’ life.

I don’t know what it is like, to not be a trauma survivor.

I don’t know what it is like to not have PTSD and Complex PTSD.

I don’t know what it is like to not feel fear, anxiety, hypervigilance, insomnia, nightmares, fear of trust, fear of abandonment, severe depression, low self worth, self hate never far from the surface, various forms of emotional self harm etc.

It has all been in my life, every single day, from early childhood, with no break. Ever.

My entire life, has been about surviving trauma and PTSD.


This is very painful to come to terms with.

Especially as it was caused by the very people who were meant to care and cherish you as a child and protect you. But, they did the opposite.

If you relate to this, please know, I understand how devastating, this is to come accept and deal with.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “No ‘pre-trauma’ me. I don’t know how that feels.

  1. Us “nothing positive before” PTSD peeps who somehow managed to go on and lead incredibly wonderful lives are nothing short of astonishing. I think the loving and inclusive teachings of Jesus are very helpful. ❤

    • Yes, I do sometimes stop and think about how much I have survived, how much strength and courage I have had and how I cared for myself, pretty much through childhood, and the first 40 years of my life. Between the age of 20-40, I provided for myself and relied on no-one.

      I didn’t know Jesus, until a few years, however, I am aware He has been with me all my life. But, prior to knowing Him, I was very much on my own. Very, very alone.

      I have not led a wonderful life, and I did make a lot of unhealthy choices for my lifestyle during my 20’s, but I know the reasons why and how they are common after so much childhood abuse.

      I am committed to trying to be a better person ❤

  2. Thank you for yur writings, i also don´t know how i could have been if i had had a different childhood, not only violence, hate, neglect and lack of love. I don’t know if i’ve been depressed since i remember or if it’s my personality. i still have faith, but somehow i don’t expect God to be of much help, whatever his plan may be, I just hope I can accept it. I am extremely tired, whatever I do or try doesn’t help, and nobody understands the pain. Good luck and go oon helping so many people.

    C-PTSD = PTSD + most symptoms of BCD, dissociative identity disorder and somatization disorder. I guess that explains the word Complex in C-PTSD.


    People with C-PTSD usually have hard time identifying and expressing emotions, extreme self hate, night terrors not nightmares and a hell lots of severe things. But above all it makes you extremely compassionate towards humans. Honestly I think C-PTSD makes you more human but it first test your patience and could tear you apart. Putting other people needs before yours is just compassion for humanity.

    I struggle through a lot everyday and I can only imagine what you could be going through. So please keep fighting cause you are one of my source of hope.

    To remove a bit of hatred I pray, I tell God to forgive all the people who has ever hurtled me cause I have forgiven them too. It’s not easy to forgive. But I think if you forgive people even when they don’t deserve it lessens hatred in your heart. And I think God will have no choice but to make you better, for forgiving.
    Compassion is probably the most ultimate and most meaningful emotion maturity.

    I’m a Muslim and God says in the Quran that He loves you and is compassionate towards you with an equivalent of more than 70 mothers love at once and that He is close to you as your jugular vein.
    Trust God and He will guide you, He has to and I cannot emphasise enough. He will guide you cause you are full of love and cause you just are most deserving. Use compassion to build you self-esteem.

    I’m trying and I hope you too keep trying. Let me know if I was wrong somewhere. Good Luck and God bless you.