It’s father’s day today, and this is never a good day for me. The hurt within me, from my own childhood, abandoned by my birth father, abused by my step father…plus all the processing and grieving that has occurred over the last 2 years.
So, emotional flashbacks, hurting inner child, hives, anxiety, stress….all heightened.
My husband is working 8-4am, today.
And being someone who now puts everything off until the last minute, due to my need now for avoidance and dissociation, I left buying gifts for hubby, until today.
How stupid was that!?
This means, going to the shops (which I hate when stressed), with my two boys. I never take my boys to the shops together any more, as it’s too stressful. Yes, I’m that crap as a mother these days. I can’t manage things like going to the shops with both my children.
And here comes the shame…
So, following a chat with both boys about behaving, with a promise that they could have lunch out ‘if they behaved. (Yes poor parenting skills, I know…heap on a bit more shame).
Off we went, my two boys, myself and my ever present unwanted friends; anxiety, hypervigilance and hives…..
We went for something to eat…and I opted for the far less busy café in Myers. Cost a bloody fortune for a sandwich, a couple of muffins, two milkshakes and a latte, but I don’t care. It was worth the money to avoid to horrible noisy, busy food court.
Trugged around the shops, bought fathers day gifts, praying I would not bump into anyone I don’t want to see. Hypervigilance turned up onto full blast. Bought some more craft stuff the boys are really into, that I got talked into buying because I didn’t need the hassle of them whinging. Yep more bad mother behaviour.
Shame pile, pretty high now.
By the time we were leaving, I was feeling dizzy, hives everywhere and I felt like I was going to pass out.
Now, I am back home wondering why the hell I do this to myself….
Going to the shops with my boys on father’s day, was really stupid.
My avoidance stuff, causes me bigger issues in the long run.
I still have a lot of work to do on my healing.