After writing the last blog, a few minutes ago, I realised, I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts, for a few weeks.
Obviously, allowing my needed emotions to be felt, is needed.
I wonder if the internalised anger I am meant to feel, but haven’t allowed myself to feel in the past – has contributed considerably, to these suicidal thoughts?
I know depression, is considered as often being suppressed, internalised anger.
Any day that follows a really horrendous nightmare, is harder.
Last night’s was the flashback, 100% re-experiencing type. Waking up, massive anxiety, crying, disorientated, fear, and a good 10 minutes to calm and ground myself. My husband took one look at me this morning, and he knew.
I get severely depressed at the thought of having these nightmares, all my life. Isn’t 43 years enough of having this evil repeating over and over?
Sometimes, the regularity of nightmares lesson, and I think I am healing and then they come back, always triggered by issues occurring within life. Within the life I cannot escape.
I can’t avoid father’s day, my boys have a father, my husband. I can’t pretend father’s day doesn’t exist and my PTSD mind, won’t let me forget everything from my past.
Plus, I know I am starting to feel more anger. Anger I have every right to feel. Anger I have allowed myself to only fleetingly feel in the past, following a shed load of guilt and shame, the anger suppressed and internalised – just as my mother and step father trained me as a child.
The anger, of all I have processed, particularly within the last 6 months, is still pretty raw at times. Continue reading →
