Had to go to the public hospital that has an acute services department for mental health, today. Never been before. Didn’t believe I would ever need to either. But, I was wrong.
They were nice. Had to wait ages, as in any public hospital for emergencies.
The mental health nurse was pleasant. Had to talk about what has happened over the last few months, to make my emotional state lower. Told her I nearly ended my life several weeks back, and now I don’t feel safe to be alone. Told her I had a big row with my husband and I can’t handle people lying to me and these things push me over the edge.
I feel like I’m just treading water and it take very little for me to start going under.
Explained I have had to process horrific things about my past and my parents and the abuse I endured and I know I haven’t dealt with the pain of all that yet. I haven’t dealt with how I feel about my mother being complicit in it. Plus whilst trying to deal with that, has a lot of abuse via all the church shit that went on, and all their corruption, lying, losing people I cared about etc. How my doctor confirmed I was abused and how she knows lies were told and corruption occurred. The recent news about this, also being such a shock and further evidence of their corruption.
She challenged me on some of my thinking, “isn’t it ‘good’ that they are moving away”. I said it isn’t good for others and explained my first reactions were panic about other people getting harmed and how disgusting and bizarre the whole situation is. But, that I have decided not to take legal action, although I feel guilty about that too. I could tell she didn’t understand that.
And I get it that no-one understands why I think the way I do. How I think, doesn’t make me a bad person.
I also told her my counselling is all weird and confusing about all this too. She probed me on that and it was too hard to explain. And she wants to be in contact with my doctor.
But, she was nice to me and said I need to do whatever to keep myself safe. Including my husband taking time off work. Suggested I take Seroquel at night and they can intervene in my professional support by considering whether I need to see to start seeing psychiatrist and have my meds changed/increased. And be admitted if necessary.
She is phoning me tomorrow about all of that.
So also told me I can phone them 24/7, whenever I feel like I am unsafe and/or go the hospital as well.
I felt a bit better talking to her.
But, I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel the shame factor, of having to go to a mental health hospital.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel like a failure for letting things get this bad.
And I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel weak, pathetic and some self hatred/loathing right now.