I don’t matter, to the people in my life.

When everything is falling apart, the fear this causes me, is unbearable. Too much has happened in the last few months. Too much affecting me and my emotional state.

I am in a situation now, that I fear the most. No-one in my life, I can trust. This is a very unsafe situation for me, when suicidal thoughts are never far away.

The fact remains, you can never trust people. And I know this. But, I always want it. I need it. It a deep profound need within me, that I cannot change, or get rid of.

The hospital didn’t phone today, as they said they would. Obviously me saying I was having suicidal thoughts, isn’t a priority to them. I guess they were busy with other people who were a priority.

Some trolls are actually very unwell.

I’ve had my share of trolls. I am a very raw and honest person, so this tends to attract people who wish to cause trouble, Not everyone likes to hear the truth.

I’ve been called lots of things, had accusations thrown at me, in my time on social media. I’m so used to it.

But, there are some accusations made, that really make me think, wow – this person is really unwell and needs help.

Today, I have been accused of being someone who is ‘deliberately trying to get people dependent on medications and make money out of people.’

Wow.

I am the least pushy and the least judgmental person I know about meds.

My motto is, if you need them – that is okay and don’t feel ashamed of that. If you don’t want to take them, that is okay too. But, don’t tell people either way what they should do, or shame people for needing them.

This person is anti-medications. So believes strongly anyone who takes them, is wrong. And the fact that I take them and talk about and I’m an admin of a page, means I am deliberately trying to make everyone else dependent on them.

Which is bizarre thinking.

Wow, some very powerful words for me, by a community member, about empathy destroying me.

This message was posted onto my Facebook page, and it is a message I know comes from a good heart, with good intentions and they are very powerful words, I need to think about.

I am so blessed to have people, with such kindness in their hearts, they send long messages like this for me, to help me.

Sweetheart, you are BEAUTIFUL as you are. No need to change. But, if this empathy hurts you, keeps you trapped in PTSD, there might be different ways for dealing with it that can give you more relief. You should NOT change your values or who you are – but, there might be different ways of dealing with your empathy.

As I see it, you can either allow it to destroy you or you can find a way to channel it into other positive actions. You are already channeling it into positive actions by helping others. But there is also another step that I have learned – sort of an acceptance of the pain without it’s destroying me (if that makes sense). I tell myself that if American slaves can enjoy life (typically with a strong spiritual life) inspite of extreme abuse and neglect…..if Holocaust survivors can survive and recover…….then I can survive whatever hell I must walk through too……and I hang onto the firm belief that I can and will stay strong enough such that I can and will recover as soon as the problems are removed…….

This makes it more survivable. This removes the extreme shock with each new insult. This removes many of the PTSD features.

I am only trying to explain this to help you to stay strong – I am in no way judging you – you are one of the most beautiful souls I have had the pleasure of meeting. The problem is, the most beautiful souls in life are often the souls that are in the most pain. There must be a way to stay beautiful yet also remove some of the pain. Think of how much more good you can do in your life if you find even more strength…….

Had this poster sent to me, by a psychologist.

A psychologist, who helps clients with complex trauma, PTSD and also kindly supports my Website, sent me this poster.

I think there is something very profound, about having ‘died’ several times due to having your heart ripped out repeatedly because of severe abuse, and being someone who loses everything and still continues to battle on and smile for loved ones, because you want them to be happy. And retain a sense of humour, that when able, is felt and appreciated.

There is little growth, strength or wisdom, grown within comfortable lives.

Those who live through suffering and trauma, and have been completely alone, can become people with such rawness, such honesty and depth, with such insight and capacity to see the bigger picture and have a level of empathy, often not understood by others.

Overwhelming fear of being completely alone, having no-one, scared, needy, vulnerable, unable to cope.

Well the hospital said they would phone me today, at around lunchtime, no phone call. So that to me means, they can’t be trusted.

And I just wrote to my doctor/counsellor explaining why I am now struggling so badly and how I feel I have no-one I can trust, no-one who supports me, no-one who cares etc and why.

The intense fear and panic I have knowing this, is agonising.

Overwhelming realisations, of too many areas of abuse I have endured. Too much pain. Too much grieving.

Realisations of how I am always going to be doubted, people will make assumptions and judgments about me. How I desperately need someone, who doesn’t do this and truly cares about the pain I am in. And I don’t have that.

I hate this deep dark place I am in, of terminal aloneness.

I don’t want to be in this place, for the rest of my life.

I can’t return to counselling and I don’t want to talk to anyone new either.

I don’t want to  do either.

There is no point. I can’t handle people’s assumptions, people minimizing what I have endured, people ‘telling’ me the way I think is wrong/bad. People trying to turn me into someone ‘not abused’ severely for decades.

I need someone highly trained and insightful into Complex PTSD.

At the hospital yesterday, I noted that I told them I had Complex PTSD, and they kept referring it to PTSD.

I don’t have only PTSD. I have many symptoms that fall outside of the PTSD diagnosis. If they don’t believe Complex PTSD exists, then I am not bothering to talk to them.

I don’t have it in me, to go through all this again, with someone new. Two years of talking in counselling, and I still wasn’t understood. How ‘shaming’ me about the way I view and describe abusers, cuts me like a knife. How I’ve been shamed all my life and I cannot handle anymore.

If I want to say one of my abusers is a narcissist, or a sociopath, or a paedophile, or evil – I will say it. And I definitely cannot handle the minimization and invalidation that occurs from that.

I do not have to think of abusers in any nice terms, at all and I won’t. I don’t hate them, I wish their mental health wasn’t the way it is, but I do not have to feel sorry for them, or be in denial of as the deliberate actions they chose to hurt me, repeatedly.

If people wish to view them differently, well that’s their choice and yes I see it makes the whole issues of abuse more palatable, but I don’t live in denial. I am sick of other people’s agenda’s affecting me.

How my brain is wired.

My head is fuzzy from taking Seroquel last night and I am so tired. I hate taking it.

So I don’t even know if this post is going to make sense. But, I’m writing it anyway.

My brain is wired a certain way, due to my childhood and upbringing.

I know from neuroscience research, our brains are wired certain ways, with areas of the brain lighting up , or not lighting up. and this will be different for everyone.

I know some people who are shown things where people are hurt, the area of their brain for pleasure, will light up

Whereas, others are  shown things where people are hurt, the area of the brain for empathy will light up instead.

I am the latter.

I don’t have my brain wired in a away, that finds anyone getting hurt/abused etc, funny, amusing. When my husband watches Funniest Home Video’s, he finds the ones where people get hurt, funny. I don’t. At all.

I don’t want anything bad to happen to anyone.

I have already blogged about reading an article about paedophiles getting beaten up in jail, and how my immediate reaction is to think this is not okay and wrong. I believe they need to kept from society, because I have the wisdom to know they will re-offend and I also have empathy for future victims. But my brain is not wired, to find them getting hurt, beaten up – as pleasurable.

I’ve never had that ‘revenge as pleasure’, brain wiring.

My brain is wired, to have empathy for future victims.

My brain is wired to see anyone hurt, as empathy for them. Something rare, it seems.