Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

How my brain is wired.

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My head is fuzzy from taking Seroquel last night and I am so tired. I hate taking it.

So I don’t even know if this post is going to make sense. But, I’m writing it anyway.

My brain is wired a certain way, due to my childhood and upbringing.

I know from neuroscience research, our brains are wired certain ways, with areas of the brain lighting up , or not lighting up. and this will be different for everyone.

I know some people who are shown things where people are hurt, the area of their brain for pleasure, will light up

Whereas, others are  shown things where people are hurt, the area of the brain for empathy will light up instead.

I am the latter.

I don’t have my brain wired in a away, that finds anyone getting hurt/abused etc, funny, amusing. When my husband watches Funniest Home Video’s, he finds the ones where people get hurt, funny. I don’t. At all.

I don’t want anything bad to happen to anyone.

I have already blogged about reading an article about paedophiles getting beaten up in jail, and how my immediate reaction is to think this is not okay and wrong. I believe they need to kept from society, because I have the wisdom to know they will re-offend and I also have empathy for future victims. But my brain is not wired, to find them getting hurt, beaten up – as pleasurable.

I’ve never had that ‘revenge as pleasure’, brain wiring.

My brain is wired, to have empathy for future victims.

My brain is wired to see anyone hurt, as empathy for them. Something rare, it seems.

My brain is wired to see red flags, see heart attitudes, and feel unsafe around those who I detect as ‘not okay’. And it is accurate discernment.

My brain is also wired, to not have ‘compassion override wisdom,’ on how to deal with abusive people.

But, my brain is also wired to feel responsible, guilty and to ‘have’ to act, to protect people.

I am very protective, for people who are being hurt, or will be hurt.

Which is not about hating abusive people at all, but about empathy for current and future victims.

I am an empath, and I don’t have great boundaries still with this.

I see a continuum of people who have empathy for future victims…

Compassion/Empathy…………>>……….lessoning in empathy……………>>………….No empathy/no conscience.

I am at the one end and I see people at the other end, and those in the middle with varying levels.

In the continuum of gaining pleasure from seeing people hurt…

No pleasure…………>>……………..increasing in pleasure……………>>…………….Great pleasure in others being hurt

I am thankful to be at the extreme end, where I have empathy and have no pleasure in seeing anyone hurt.

But, I know that as a child, being made responsible for my sisters and act like their parents, blamed for my sister being abused as a child, and being the scapegoat for so much, has  caused brain wiring to feel overly responsible for people and worry and stress, too much.

Again, I would rather be this and learn to have better boundaries, but be someone willing to act when I know others are being hurt….

Than be like most of the population and not care, be apathetic, egocentric, selfish and empathy-less.

And, I will not be told, that becoming the latter, is needed.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “How my brain is wired.

  1. Thank you for posting. I enjoy reading about your feelings and emotions. Continue to progress and hope you feel better real soon. Warm hugs to you, Love you, Christa J. Pointer, Tulsa, Ok.