I don’t want to do either.
There is no point. I can’t handle people’s assumptions, people minimizing what I have endured, people ‘telling’ me the way I think is wrong/bad. People trying to turn me into someone ‘not abused’ severely for decades.
I need someone highly trained and insightful into Complex PTSD.
At the hospital yesterday, I noted that I told them I had Complex PTSD, and they kept referring it to PTSD.
I don’t have only PTSD. I have many symptoms that fall outside of the PTSD diagnosis. If they don’t believe Complex PTSD exists, then I am not bothering to talk to them.
I don’t have it in me, to go through all this again, with someone new. Two years of talking in counselling, and I still wasn’t understood. How ‘shaming’ me about the way I view and describe abusers, cuts me like a knife. How I’ve been shamed all my life and I cannot handle anymore.
If I want to say one of my abusers is a narcissist, or a sociopath, or a paedophile, or evil – I will say it. And I definitely cannot handle the minimization and invalidation that occurs from that.
I do not have to think of abusers in any nice terms, at all and I won’t. I don’t hate them, I wish their mental health wasn’t the way it is, but I do not have to feel sorry for them, or be in denial of as the deliberate actions they chose to hurt me, repeatedly.
If people wish to view them differently, well that’s their choice and yes I see it makes the whole issues of abuse more palatable, but I don’t live in denial. I am sick of other people’s agenda’s affecting me.
I need someone on my side, who knows the depth of devastation and deliberate harm these people caused to me and lets me feel that and express that. How the accumulation of it all, including over the last few years of abuse, has broken me completely and doesn’t judge me for that. Who understands abandonment depression and emotional flashbacks and how scared, fragile and vulnerable I am inside.
I am sick of people assuming I can keep being so strong – because that is what ‘they’ want me to do. And shaming me for not being what they believe I should be, right now.
There are a lot of people who get admitted to hospital, for far less than I have endured, who end their lives, over less than I have endured. My heart is so sad for them and I don’t judge them in any way.
I know a very brave lady, who was in hospital a long time, for stalking and harassment when teaching, from horrible parents. I feel for her deeply, but I realise my trauma history is far worse. I don’t judge her for becoming so unwell and needing to be hospitalised for months.
But, I wish people would give me some credit, for doing as well as I am each day.
I am OVER people assuming I am not trying hard enough, when I have endured so much, and just staying alive, is an exhausting daily issue.