Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I can’t return to counselling and I don’t want to talk to anyone new either.


I don’t want to  do either.

There is no point. I can’t handle people’s assumptions, people minimizing what I have endured, people ‘telling’ me the way I think is wrong/bad. People trying to turn me into someone ‘not abused’ severely for decades.

I need someone highly trained and insightful into Complex PTSD.

At the hospital yesterday, I noted that I told them I had Complex PTSD, and they kept referring it to PTSD.

I don’t have only PTSD. I have many symptoms that fall outside of the PTSD diagnosis. If they don’t believe Complex PTSD exists, then I am not bothering to talk to them.

I don’t have it in me, to go through all this again, with someone new. Two years of talking in counselling, and I still wasn’t understood. How ‘shaming’ me about the way I view and describe abusers, cuts me like a knife. How I’ve been shamed all my life and I cannot handle anymore.

If I want to say one of my abusers is a narcissist, or a sociopath, or a paedophile, or evil – I will say it. And I definitely cannot handle the minimization and invalidation that occurs from that.

I do not have to think of abusers in any nice terms, at all and I won’t. I don’t hate them, I wish their mental health wasn’t the way it is, but I do not have to feel sorry for them, or be in denial of as the deliberate actions they chose to hurt me, repeatedly.

If people wish to view them differently, well that’s their choice and yes I see it makes the whole issues of abuse more palatable, but I don’t live in denial. I am sick of other people’s agenda’s affecting me.

I need someone on my side, who knows the depth of devastation and deliberate harm these people caused to me and lets me feel that and express that. How the accumulation of it all, including over the last few years of abuse, has broken me completely and doesn’t judge me for that. Who understands abandonment depression and emotional flashbacks and how scared, fragile and vulnerable I am inside.

I am sick of people assuming I can keep being so strong – because that is what ‘they’ want me to do. And shaming me for not being what they believe I should be, right now.

There are a lot of people who get admitted to hospital, for far less than I have endured, who end their lives, over less than I have endured. My heart is so sad for them and I don’t judge them in any way.

I know a very brave lady, who was in hospital a long time, for stalking and harassment when teaching, from horrible parents. I feel for her deeply, but I realise my trauma history is far worse. I don’t judge her for becoming so unwell and needing to be hospitalised for months.

But, I wish people would  give me some credit, for doing as well as I am each day.

I am OVER people assuming I am not trying hard enough, when I have endured so much, and just staying alive, is an exhausting daily issue.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “I can’t return to counselling and I don’t want to talk to anyone new either.

  1. I empathize from my own experience with the content in your writing above and with most that I have read here on the blog since becoming a member, also the general the overall picture. Your specific insights and storyline are eerily similar to my own. I commend you. Since my schizophrenia was likely set on by repeated and complex trauma, I think that is why I relate so well to you and our lives with PTSD/CPTSD.

    • Thank you J. I had a feeling your past experiences would be similar to mine. I read you have little contact with your family too. I have no contact with mine.

      You have that capacity to be very real and raw about your life and who you are and that in my experience is rare and tends to only come from people who have endured profoundly unusual/abnormal lives, with much suffering and need to survive, that creates a level of honesty and insight, not created, any other way.

      I think it often takes someone who has endured this, that has come out of it with these capacities for rawness and real truth, to understand another.

      It’s why Pete Walkers book on complex trauma, blew me away when I read it. He is a complex trauma survivor himself and has deep insight.

      Lilly ❤