Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I don’t matter, to the people in my life.

5 Comments

When everything is falling apart, the fear this causes me, is unbearable. Too much has happened in the last few months. Too much affecting me and my emotional state.

I am in a situation now, that I fear the most. No-one in my life, I can trust. This is a very unsafe situation for me, when suicidal thoughts are never far away.

The fact remains, you can never trust people. And I know this. But, I always want it. I need it. It a deep profound need within me, that I cannot change, or get rid of.

The hospital didn’t phone today, as they said they would. Obviously me saying I was having suicidal thoughts, isn’t a priority to them. I guess they were busy with other people who were a priority.

My counsellor is ignoring all my emails.

My husband has been lying to me and that just sets off a million things in my mind as to what else he has been lying about.

None of them can be trusted to do right, or be there when you need them the most.

Me and my life, are never a priority to anyone. I never matter. I don’t have anyone who cares. I don’t know why I ever hope anyone will. I’ve never had one single person in my life I could rely on and trust. I guess I need to just stop expecting anyone to and just accept I am on my own.

I feel like I am clinging on to the edge of the cliff, by my finger nails.

And I don’t matter enough, for anyone to care whether I let go, or not.

I don’t care either.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “I don’t matter, to the people in my life.

  1. I wish that I had some magical words that would make this all better for you, but I can only say that I truly understand this. I can so relate to what you wrote here and the feelings that you have. I have and often feel/think the same way that you do here. I want and desire to trust people but just when I do, it always seems to back fire. Know that you do matter and people do care…you are heard. Thinking of you. Please take care.

  2. I have been betrayed by a number of people – lies, lies, lies – so I know how you feel. I’m so sorry and know I’ve said this on at least a couple of occasions to you… hang in there. Although I don’t know you that well, I care.
    Much love. x

  3. I hope you are finally feeling better, more optimistic. I so understand the not being able to trust anyone. I have found myself with a smaller and smaller world the past several months. The loneliness is an echo that I can’t stand. But the fear of letting anyone in or to close is full of fear. But I keep telling myself that there has to be a reason why I am here. So until I find that reason, I will keep searching. Somewhere deep inside there is a flicker of hope. I hope you can find that flicker too. And some day that flicker will shine brighter than before. Namaste

  4. Thank you all ❤

    It is so very kind of you to leave such compassionate messages – I truly appreciate them and you all.

    Those fears, are still very difficult for me to manage and it all becomes too much and I am overwhelmed, which makes everything spiral downwards.

    I am feeling better today and have some hope. Which makes a huge difference.

  5. Sorry are having such a difficult time.. Sometimes I used to get caught into this sort of suicidal trance and I realized that it PTSD that got triggered when in stress that came from earlier attempts.

    It sucks but the reality is that putting someone in a hospital for suicidal ideation or even an attempt does little to help them heal and in most cases can add to their trauma. For women with BPD for example their is almost never a situation where someone should go into a hospital.. We all wish that they were safe healing places but they are often are huge triggers for people and result in yet another layer of trauma.

    When you feel like you can’t trust anyone else around you it is also very hard to trust yourself but you can make it.. Say the same things to yourself that I know you would say to others. Do you have a hope kit or a crisis plan? when I used to be in a crisis I totally forgot about those.. Pull it out. Look at it.. Make a new one if it doesn’t work.. Take it day by day