Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

It is always a relief, to read experts knowledge on Complex PTSD.

“I always feel a relief, from reading trauma expert’s knowledge of PTSD & Complex PTSD.

It helps me realise, I am normal, for all I have endured and my strong emotions, my fears, my reactions, my thoughts – are due to the very abnormal abuse/experiences I have endured.

This is why I share all this, so others feel validated and understand this is normal for all they have endured, also.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

I wrote this on my Facebook page today, after having researched info I already knew, but needed to read again. It is vital, that severe complex trauma survivors, know and understand their emotions, fears etc….are all normal for what they have endured.

It is vital for me to know this.

It’s like a form of self soothing.

“I am okay, this is normal for me, there are massive reasons, and none of it is my fault.” 

I’m aware, I have no doubt been in a big emotional flashback, for the last few days. They can last days, weeks even. Continue reading

Why I can oscillate between intense attachment & terrified withdrawal.

Complex PTSD: A Syndrome in Survivors of Prolonged and Repeated Trauma
Judith Lewis Herman
Journal of Traumatic Stress, VoL 5, No. 3, 1992

Even after escape, it is not possible simply to reconstitute relationships of the sort that existed prior to captivity.

All relationships are now viewed through the lens of extremity. Just as there is no range of moderate engagement or risk for initiative, there is no range of moderate engagement or risk for relationship.

The survivor approaches all relationships as though questions of life and death are at stake, oscillating between intense attachment and terrified withdrawal.

In survivors of childhood abuse, these disturbances in relationship are further amplified. Oscillations in attachment, with formation of intense, unstable relationships, are frequently observed. These disturbances are described most fully in patients with borderline personality disorder, the majority of whom have extensive histories of childhood abuse.

A recent empirical study, confirming a vast literature of clinical observations, outlines in detail the specific pattern of relational difficulties. Such patients find it very hard to tolerate being alone, but are also exceedingly wary of others.

Terrified of abandonment on the one hand, and domination on the other, they oscillate between extremes of abject submissiveness and furious rebellion. Continue reading

Prof. Judith L Herman – self hatred as a survival coping need & why enduring severe captivity complex trauma & C-PTSD, is not a personality disorder.

The humiliated rage of the imprisoned person also adds to the depressive burden (Hilberman, 1980).

During captivity, the prisoner can not express anger at the perpetrator; to do so would jeopardize survival. Even after release, the survivor may continue to fear retribution for any expression of anger against the captor.

Moreover, the survivor carries a burden of unexpressed anger against all those who remained indifferent and failed to help.

Efforts to control this rage may further exacerbate the survivor’s social withdrawal and paralysis of initiative. Occasional outbursts of rage against others may further alienate the survivor and prevent the restoration of relationships.

And internalization of rage may result in a malignant self hatred and chronic suicidality.

Observers who have never experienced prolonged terror, and who have no understanding of coercive methods of control, often presume that they would show greater psychological resistance than the victim in similar circumstances.

The survivor’s difficulties are all too easily attributed to underlying character problems, even when the trauma is known.

When the trauma is kept secret, as is frequently the case in sexual and domestic violence, the survivor’s symptoms and behavior may appear quite baffling, not only to lay people but also to mental health professionals. Continue reading

1 Comment

I hate myself.

This fear of being completely alone, is always accompanied by those voices/messages from the past, telling me, how I don’t deserve anything better.

Not actual voices, but memories of how I was treated, how I was harmed by too many people.

That inner critic, those inwardly digested abusers, those core beliefs.

I am worthless.

I don’t matter.

I have no-one.

I deserve this.

No-one can be trusted.

Don’t reach out, because when you do, no-one will be there.

No-one cares.

You don’t deserve anyone to care. Continue reading