Perfect example of my trauma induced thinking…..

I posted this to my page.

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On good days…….I consider my PTSD symptoms, to be an indication of the hurt and harm, still within my mind, body, heart and soul, that have not yet been processed. So I view this in a positive way, of knowing what I need to work on, to help me heal and that I will heal and I know I am, slowly, but surely! 🙂

On bad days………I consider my PTSD symptoms to be deeply unfair, cruel, devastating, and really $%&#ing horrible. And feel needed self sorrow and grieving for all that has occurred in my life, that I should never have endured. And I feel like it will never end and I cannot possibly bare any more of this suffering… 😦

Pow!!! There’s some good old trauma induced Black & White thinking for you! :-O

I need to hear and read more of God. Part of self care too.

I am aware, I need to hear and read more of God. I know I need it, I know I want to grow in God’s wisdom, and I know this is what God wants and I know it is part of my ongoing life of spiritual growth and my lifelong student needs.

So, today, I started reading a book which has been sat collecting dust for months, by an author I really enjoy reading – Carolyn Custis James. Her book ‘When Life and Beliefs Collide’ – was ‘wow’! I enjoyed and learned so much from that book, about women, about dealing with hardship and suffering, about the wrong beliefs of women’s roles within marriage, church, society etc.

So, I bought ‘Lost Women Of The Bible’…….and it has not yet been read.

But, I am reading it. And I have only read 40 pages – and I love it already! She is a smart woman. I like that.

Self Flagellation…..there are many ways to self harm., hurt oneself….but this is not what God wants.

This just came to me….thank you Jesus ❤

Self harm….something many participate in and have many reasons for this. All shame based.

It’s interesting and sad how wrong so many church people can get what God wants, and how much He loves us.

He doesn’t want anyone to hurt themselves. And certainly not to prove our love for Him. God is pure, perfect love. This does not require us hurting ourselves, for Him. Yes, be uncomfortable, act with courage, spiritual integrity, wisdom….but not get really hurt in the process, harming healing and wellbeing. I do know God does not want or expect that at all.

Self harm, is not only the religious practices some participate in. There are many, emotional, spiritual, psychological forms of self harm, and I have several. I had even more in the past. And it is weird that I still crave some of the ones I no longer participate in.

I know my deep desire to do what is needed for God….can put me into the non healthy boundary area, of thinking it is okay if I get hurt, to do what is right for God.

But, I do need to question myself about this. This cannot become an excuse, to harm myself. That will be an idol – my need to self harm, not at all what God wants. And I do not want to be worshipping my need to self harm. Because, I know what God wants, is absolutely perfect for what we need.

Ignoring the haters, frauds, narcs, fakes, liars, bullies….as my wellbeing matters too.

Life will always have these crappy people. Sadly, they exist and they hurt many others.

I am very protective of people getting harmed, and want to always warn everyone, expose the crappy people, and I get mixed responses to this. Some good, some neutral, some bad. I get hassle, more abuse/bullying/name calling/cyber attacking.

Sometimes, I can handle this hassle back….sometimes it hurts – because I am truly trying to help people, because I hate the thought of anyone getting harmed and I feel responsible for warning people. And I feel guilty, if I don’t. Guilt and shame are still issues in my life, I know that.

So, I will always be someone, who acts.

But, I need to have boundaries on this, to protect my own emotional wellbeing. I have to accept this is important too.

Went to counselling yesterday, and it went much better than I expected.

Upon the insistence of my husband, I went to see my doctor/counsellor yesterday.

I was very defensive to start with – I am not good with conflict of any kind. I always assume people are annoyed/angry with me for telling them I am hurt, feel unsafe, not happy about stuff etc. My past coping strategy for this has been complete avoidance, or people please.

So, it was hard. And I struggled. But, I did it. Once I could actually start talking, and the words weren’t stuck in my throat, it kinda flowed out and I did manage to say most of the stuff that has been building and bothering me.

How I need to be allowed to express all my needed emotions about people who have intentionally harmed me. How I cannot handle anything that seems to be about abuse minimizing and abuser enabling, or making excuses for abusive people. Why I label people. Why I need to view ‘bad’ people as what they are ‘bad’ people.

How there is a big difference between people who intentionally…..and non intentionally harm people. How there is a big difference between people who plan to harm people, lie, deny and then do all the usual minimizing, projecting etc…..and people who are remorseful and ‘own’ what they have done.

How I do not have to have nice feelings about ‘bad’ people. I do not have to feel sorry for them. I do not have to like them. But, how I have never had revengeful, harmful thoughts about abusive people – I just want appropriate actions taken, so they are told what they are doing for their own good, so they don’t hurt anyone else. And how having empathy for future victims – seems rare.