Upon the insistence of my husband, I went to see my doctor/counsellor yesterday.
I was very defensive to start with – I am not good with conflict of any kind. I always assume people are annoyed/angry with me for telling them I am hurt, feel unsafe, not happy about stuff etc. My past coping strategy for this has been complete avoidance, or people please.
So, it was hard. And I struggled. But, I did it. Once I could actually start talking, and the words weren’t stuck in my throat, it kinda flowed out and I did manage to say most of the stuff that has been building and bothering me.
How I need to be allowed to express all my needed emotions about people who have intentionally harmed me. How I cannot handle anything that seems to be about abuse minimizing and abuser enabling, or making excuses for abusive people. Why I label people. Why I need to view ‘bad’ people as what they are ‘bad’ people.
How there is a big difference between people who intentionally…..and non intentionally harm people. How there is a big difference between people who plan to harm people, lie, deny and then do all the usual minimizing, projecting etc…..and people who are remorseful and ‘own’ what they have done.
How I do not have to have nice feelings about ‘bad’ people. I do not have to feel sorry for them. I do not have to like them. But, how I have never had revengeful, harmful thoughts about abusive people – I just want appropriate actions taken, so they are told what they are doing for their own good, so they don’t hurt anyone else. And how having empathy for future victims – seems rare.
How I need to view all the church crap for exactly what it is; corruption, lies, manipulation, abuse, narcissism etc. And it is okay for me to be concerned for future victims. But, I also know I didn’t fail in dealing with all that, the ones meant to deal with it – failed and abused me in the process. And I need to move on.
How I am someone willing to warn people about abusive people/frauds/narcs & expose them – and yet I get so much crap back about this.
How I don’t live in some ‘positive illusion’ about life and people. I live in reality. The reality of ‘my’ life.
And how I need support in this. Because it is who I am – and none of this is ‘bad’. It is good, honest, empathy, real, courage. But all the things I know I need to work on….my emotion control, handling emotional flashbacks, reducing the ‘getting to being suicidal point’, my idealising relationships, building resilience, feeling able to say what I’m not happy about, how to deal with anger so I don’t suppress it as self hatred.
I was surprised at the responses. In a good way.
I needed to hear her thoughts and views in more detail about abusive people, more detail about her views of all the church crap and in particular about the narc pastor & wife. And the corruption, lies & manipulation that occurred. That was all very validating.
Validating, supportive, allowing me the decisions as to whether counselling continue, how I need it to continue, if I feel safe enough to continue etc.
I am still processing all this and the whole conversation.
It takes me time to think about each part of conversations.