Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Major Impairments In Self Care – yes I guess that describes me.

“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom.

But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative.

She approaches the task of early adulthood――establishing independence and intimacy――burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships.

She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.”
Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery    


I am absolutely terrible at maintaining any forms of self care.

I know intellectually what most are…..and yet I am unable to maintain them.

I guess it’s like the opposite of those who are obsessed with exercise, health, image, beauty, and being so concerned about self. Continue reading


Lying: The Ultimate Manipulation Tactic – By Dr George Simon, PhD

Disordered characters don’t want you to know what they’re all about or what they’re up to. Lying helps keep them one-up on you and a step ahead of you.
I’ve been posting a series of articles on certain relatively automatic behaviors that disturbed characters commonly engage in to manipulate others and resist accountability. Some of the tactics I’ve posted on include rationalization, minimization, and blaming or scapegoating:

By far, however, the most effective manipulation and responsibility-avoidance behavior is lying.

Disordered characters not only lie frequently, but they sometimes lie even when there appears no obvious or useful purpose for the lying. They are also expert at lying in a wide variety of ways, some of which are quite subtle.

For the disordered character, lying serves many purposes. But mainly, lying serves to give a manipulator an advantage over someone else. Disordered characters don’t want you to know what they’re all about or what they’re up to. That would level the playing field in your encounters with them. But disturbed characters want to be one-up on you and a step ahead of you. They want to keep you in the dark and keep you guessing. One of the best ways to do this is by deception.

There are so many ways to lie that it’s almost impossible to list them all. But disordered characters are very knowledgeable about even the most subtle and stealthy ways to lie and are artful in their use of the various forms of lying.

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Gaslighting As A Manipulation Tactic – What is it, who does it and why? Dr George Simon PhD.

Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why

Gaslighting is a sophisticated manipulation tactic which certain types of personalities use to create doubt in the minds of others. Here’s how it works and what to watch out for.

In a stage play and suspense thriller from the 1930s entitled “Gas Light,” a conniving husband tries to make the wife he wishes to get rid of think she is losing her mind by making subtle changes in her environment, including slowly and steadily dimming the flame on a gas lamp. In recent years, the term “gaslighting” has come to be applied to attempts by certain kinds of personalities, especially psychopaths — who are among the personalities most adept at sophisticated tactics of manipulation — to create so much doubt in the minds of their targets of exploitation that the victim no longer trusts their own judgment about things and buys into the assertions of the manipulator, thus coming under their power and control.

Effective gaslighting can be accomplished in several different ways. Sometimes, a person can assert something with such an apparent intensity of conviction that the other person begins to doubt their own perspective. Other times, vigorous and unwavering denial coupled with a display of righteous indignation can accomplish the same task. Bringing up historical facts that seem largely accurate but contain minute, hard-to-prove distortions and using them to “prove” the correctness of one’s position is another method. Gaslighting is particularly effective when coupled with other tactics such as shaming and guilting. Anything that aids in getting another person to doubt their judgment and back down will work.

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If you remain neutral – I will not trust you. And those who do stand by me, will get attacked by the perps.

This is so interesting, because the narc minister who abused me, and the Baptist Church – have lied and criticised my doctor/counsellor and the mediation that occurred – which they have absolutely NO right to do.

They have done exactly what Prof. Judith Lewis Herman has stated will happen – they turned on someone who was willing to stand by me – and not with them, because she could see their narcissism and their lies, manipulation and deep marital issues. And that they should not be in ministry.

And this shows why – if anyone remains neutral, I will not trust them at all.

“Underlying the attack on psychotherapy, I believe, is a recognition of the potential power of any relationship of witnessing.

The consulting room is a privileged space dedicated to memory. Within that space, survivors gain the freedom to know and tell their stories. Even the most private and confidential disclosure of past abuses increases the likelihood of eventual public disclosure. And public disclosure is something that perpetrators are determined to prevent. As in the case of more overtly political crimes, perpetrators will fight tenaciously to ensure that their abuses remain unseen, unacknowledged, and consigned to oblivion.

The dialectic of trauma is playing itself out once again. It is worth remembering that this is not the first time in history that those who have listened closely to trauma survivors have been subject to challenge. Nor will it be the last. In the past few years, many clinicians have had to learn to deal with the same tactics of harassment and intimidation that grassroots advocates for women, children and other oppressed groups have long endured. We, the bystanders, have had to look within ourselves to find some small portion of the courage that victims of violence must muster every day.

Some attacks have been downright silly; many have been quite ugly. Though frightening, these attacks are an implicit tribute to the power of the healing relationship. They remind us that creating a protected space where survivors can speak their truth is an act of liberation. They remind us that bearing witness, even within the confines of that sanctuary, is an act of solidarity. They remind us also that moral neutrality in the conflict between victim and perpetrator is not an option. Like all other bystanders, therapists are sometimes forced to take sides. Continue reading

My sense of humour, is quite mischievious….

I post a lot of very serious, very intense stuff on my page and I like to lighten it up with some fun, humorous, silly, light-hearted stuff too.

I posted this today…


And I have to admit, I did have a giggle at the thought of people turning their heads to the side to read this…

And lots did heehee!

So I followed it up with this…

“I couldn’t resist lol! ”

sni Continue reading

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‘Exacting test of trustworthiness’


I know I have issues with this. I know it isn’t fair on people, but I don’t hurt them, I hurt myself by just withdrawing and isolating and wanting to die. The fear I feel within, is greater than my capacity to trust. I can honesty say I trust no-one. Not my husband, not my counsellor, no-one. And I have tried. Repeatedly.

I know no-one can be exactly what I need, all the time and neither can I. But, I have been abused, lied to, and treated badly by so many people in my life, abused all through my childhood, by many significant people in my life, and others too. Including over the last few years.

So I am now absolutely terrified of being hurt any more.

I know this is one of the reasons my counsellor pointed out this week, that all the abuse, trauma, lies, manipulation, corruption I endured over the last few years from so many religious people, has harmed me to the point that I am worse now, than I was before all that. I know this is why my counsellor no doubt wanted me move on from all that far earlier than I did, because she knew from prior experience, what would likely happen. I was thankful to hear her say she was also angry at the outcome and that I was treated so badly.

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This breaks my heart. Forgiveness, should never be ‘demanded’ by abusers, or the victim ‘shamed’ into forgiving.

This was a post to my page, and I was in tears thinking of the pain this survivor is enduring.

FORGIVING!!!! 50 yrs have past now since my sexual abuse and I still suffer from it.

My perpetrator begged me for my forgiveness, he cried and cried and said he felt like ending his life because he felt so awful about what he had done to me. I was 13 and the abuse had ended when I was 9. I was too terrified of him to even consider forgiving him.

When I was 18 and married I told him never to come to my house drinking again. Six to eight weeks later my father did commit suicide. And I had NOT forgiven him because I was still terrified.

So now, I live daily with the PTSD from the abuse and the thoughts that had I found that forgiveness for him then that he may be alive now.

Many will read my post and think I am really twisted in the head, but he was my Daddy and despite all he had done I still loved him.

This was my response, which I hope helped… Continue reading

The issue of forgiveness….for abusers.

I posted this to my page.
***Trigger Warning*** This is about forgiveness.

This topic may be emotive for some.
Please feel free to bypass, if this is something that may cause you distress.

 ~~~The issue of forgiveness~~~

I do not preach forgiveness, even though I am a Christian. And here’s why…

Whether someone needs to consider forgiveness for abusers, is a very personal issue and one I do not believe anyone has a right to demand, or shame people into.

I believe that to heal, we need to concentrate on ‘ourselves’ – nothing to do with the abusers.

I believe that adding ‘forgiveness’ into the healing process too soon, is very damaging. And who is to know when that time is right for others, if ever?

I also believe ‘forgiveness’ for abusers, is not what many assume it has to be. To me, it is not about having to have nice feelings and thoughts about them, not about needing reconciliation, not about excusing or justifying their abuse, not about minimizing the harm they caused, it does not mean you cannot go to the police or appropriately expose them, it does not mean you cannot be angry and grieve, it is not about keeping it a secret for their benefit, or the family/org/church’s image/reputation, it is not about suppressing needed and rightful emotions. These things are all manipulations and further abuse to the victim/survivor.

I won’t tell you – you ‘have’ to forgive. I have no right to say that to you. No-one does.

I am not you, I don’t know where you are at in your healing, I don’t want to damage your healing, or shame you. That would be wrong of me and it is wrong of anyone else.

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