Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

‘Exacting test of trustworthiness’

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tired

I know I have issues with this. I know it isn’t fair on people, but I don’t hurt them, I hurt myself by just withdrawing and isolating and wanting to die. The fear I feel within, is greater than my capacity to trust. I can honesty say I trust no-one. Not my husband, not my counsellor, no-one. And I have tried. Repeatedly.

I know no-one can be exactly what I need, all the time and neither can I. But, I have been abused, lied to, and treated badly by so many people in my life, abused all through my childhood, by many significant people in my life, and others too. Including over the last few years.

So I am now absolutely terrified of being hurt any more.

I know this is one of the reasons my counsellor pointed out this week, that all the abuse, trauma, lies, manipulation, corruption I endured over the last few years from so many religious people, has harmed me to the point that I am worse now, than I was before all that. I know this is why my counsellor no doubt wanted me move on from all that far earlier than I did, because she knew from prior experience, what would likely happen. I was thankful to hear her say she was also angry at the outcome and that I was treated so badly.

Prior to the abuse becoming evident, I was actually trying to trust people. I was forming relationships with people. I was trying really hard, to overcome my fear of trust. And this was destroyed, completely.

So now I am back to this traumatised state of ‘exacting test of trustworthiness’.

Because it is now a matter of life or death.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

One thought on “‘Exacting test of trustworthiness’

  1. I think getting safe, withdrawing, and erecting emergency boundaries is a way of choosing to live, valuing ourselves and life so dearly that we choose not to endure the toxcitity of people gone bad, or the potential threat of yet another person having a chance to misuse us.
    I have learnt the biggest threat is those who have any degree of power over me. Too many people abuse their power and status. Those without any power have far less ability to manipulate. Being able to walk away is crucial. I also remember the saying “Those who matter dont mind, and those who mind, dont matter” I have also leanrt to ditch people quickly, there is no room anymore to give people 2nd and 3rd chances. I hope you stay safe, and I hope you feel ok. The website is awesome, a great help to me, and no doubt a shining light in the darkness to many others. Take Care.