I know I have issues with this. I know it isn’t fair on people, but I don’t hurt them, I hurt myself by just withdrawing and isolating and wanting to die. The fear I feel within, is greater than my capacity to trust. I can honesty say I trust no-one. Not my husband, not my counsellor, no-one. And I have tried. Repeatedly.
I know no-one can be exactly what I need, all the time and neither can I. But, I have been abused, lied to, and treated badly by so many people in my life, abused all through my childhood, by many significant people in my life, and others too. Including over the last few years.
So I am now absolutely terrified of being hurt any more.
I know this is one of the reasons my counsellor pointed out this week, that all the abuse, trauma, lies, manipulation, corruption I endured over the last few years from so many religious people, has harmed me to the point that I am worse now, than I was before all that. I know this is why my counsellor no doubt wanted me move on from all that far earlier than I did, because she knew from prior experience, what would likely happen. I was thankful to hear her say she was also angry at the outcome and that I was treated so badly.
Prior to the abuse becoming evident, I was actually trying to trust people. I was forming relationships with people. I was trying really hard, to overcome my fear of trust. And this was destroyed, completely.
So now I am back to this traumatised state of ‘exacting test of trustworthiness’.
Because it is now a matter of life or death.