Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

The issue of forgiveness….for abusers.

I posted this to my page.
***Trigger Warning*** This is about forgiveness.

This topic may be emotive for some.
Please feel free to bypass, if this is something that may cause you distress.


 ~~~The issue of forgiveness~~~

I do not preach forgiveness, even though I am a Christian. And here’s why…

Whether someone needs to consider forgiveness for abusers, is a very personal issue and one I do not believe anyone has a right to demand, or shame people into.

I believe that to heal, we need to concentrate on ‘ourselves’ – nothing to do with the abusers.

I believe that adding ‘forgiveness’ into the healing process too soon, is very damaging. And who is to know when that time is right for others, if ever?

I also believe ‘forgiveness’ for abusers, is not what many assume it has to be. To me, it is not about having to have nice feelings and thoughts about them, not about needing reconciliation, not about excusing or justifying their abuse, not about minimizing the harm they caused, it does not mean you cannot go to the police or appropriately expose them, it does not mean you cannot be angry and grieve, it is not about keeping it a secret for their benefit, or the family/org/church’s image/reputation, it is not about suppressing needed and rightful emotions. These things are all manipulations and further abuse to the victim/survivor.

I won’t tell you – you ‘have’ to forgive. I have no right to say that to you. No-one does.

I am not you, I don’t know where you are at in your healing, I don’t want to damage your healing, or shame you. That would be wrong of me and it is wrong of anyone else.

I do not believe that anyone needs to think about forgiveness for abusers who have harmed us greatly, unless they believe they want to and when they are ready.

To be quite honest, I am so sick of thinking about my abusers. I need to concentrate on me and what ‘I’ need. Not them.

I believe this is needed.

So, please do not preach forgiveness to severe abuse survivors – you are not ‘entitled’ to do so. If you have dealt with forgiveness – keep it to yourself.

Don’t think you know where everyone else’s healing is at, or what they need. It is harmful to assume this.

I don’t know what everyone needs, especially via the internet and neither does anyone else.


This section is specifically about being a Christian..

My understanding of forgiveness, is not hating them in that bitter way, not wanting revenge/retaliation/retribution, not wishing bad/inappropriate things on them and leaving their final fate, to God. That…is it. Nothing more.
But, this does not mean, I have to accept a fake/false apology, or apply cheap grace, or accept an unrepentant narcissists/sociopath etc, or not expose them, or not report them, or not be angry, or ‘forgive’ them in any ‘persons’ timeline. The only person I answer to in this, is Jesus.
Anyone who thinks differently is being judgmental, abusive, and has an ego they need to reign in – they are not Jesus. Let go of your God Complex and deal with your narcissism.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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