Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

This breaks my heart. Forgiveness, should never be ‘demanded’ by abusers, or the victim ‘shamed’ into forgiving.

This was a post to my page, and I was in tears thinking of the pain this survivor is enduring.

FORGIVING!!!! 50 yrs have past now since my sexual abuse and I still suffer from it.

My perpetrator begged me for my forgiveness, he cried and cried and said he felt like ending his life because he felt so awful about what he had done to me. I was 13 and the abuse had ended when I was 9. I was too terrified of him to even consider forgiving him.

When I was 18 and married I told him never to come to my house drinking again. Six to eight weeks later my father did commit suicide. And I had NOT forgiven him because I was still terrified.

So now, I live daily with the PTSD from the abuse and the thoughts that had I found that forgiveness for him then that he may be alive now.

Many will read my post and think I am really twisted in the head, but he was my Daddy and despite all he had done I still loved him.

This was my response, which I hope helped…

(Name), I am so sorry you have endured all of this

Can I start by saying I do understand that no matter what he did to you, that you still loved him. It is okay that you loved him, despite him harming you so badly. I love my mother, despite all she did.

You not forgiving him before he died, is not your shame to hold, but I do fully understand why you feel the way you do. It was ‘his’ choice to abuse you and ‘his’ choice to end his life.

You ‘needed’ time to deal with all the abuse and your very appropriate feelings of terror towards him. Nothing that you did was not okay. Everything – all your reactions, your emotions, how you were dealing with it all – were normal and needed.

It was up to him, to understand that he could not demand that forgiveness from you in his timeframe and he was wrong to beg you for forgiveness and say he was thinking of ending his life – as that was about him and what he wanted – not about you and what you needed. His attitude should have been about what ‘you’ needed.

But, despite all of this – I do really understand and empathize with you and how you feel Sadly abusive people often leave us with a lifetime of guilt and shame that is not ours to feel, but we do.

Have you considered counselling? I know I need it because all these emotions are so hard and so painful

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Comments are closed.