Rationalization…….wow, now there’s a whole can of worms…

Having just realised, this is why people can have such unhealthy views about abuse like ‘feeling grateful for the abuse, because it makes us strong’ – which makes me annoyed….no I do not have to feel ‘grateful’ for it at all….that is glorifying abuse, and saying what the abusers did is ‘okay’, ‘needed’ ‘justifiable…

I see these issues are ‘rationalizing’.

Oh my, how much do we all do this…!!

I have rationalized that it is okay for me to get really hurt, when exposing abusers, having to deal with all their shit, all their supporters/apaths, and it’s okay if I get hurt over and over, because in my head it is ‘needed’. Despite the fact that I am not strong enough to deal with it…..and I’ve kinda had my share of abuse…actually far more than ‘my share’.  No-one should ever have any ‘share’.

It goes deeper than this for me, with all my complex trauma issues; ‘I am bad’ core beliefs, poor boundaries to protect myself from ongoing harm, and my feelings of being responsible etc etc….

People can choose to rationalize abuse, because it makes it feel easier to deal with.

I am reaching new levels of exhausted, due to the depth of my recent emotions.

I can barely type this. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted.

Allowing myself to feel the depth of anger and emotions I have recently, is exhausting. I had to go out earlier and I was literally dragging myself around. My husband even said I was ‘not all there’.

I got really angry about my mother earlier. New depths of anger I have never felt.

I know I need to feel this anger. I know I need to get it out of me. I know it is absolutely appropriate to feel it.

But, now I have that nagging little voice within me, saying “your mother is a really mentally unwell woman, so don’t hate her.”

Abuse is never a gift, never a blessing in disguise & I will never ‘thank’ my abusers..

I don’t believe in these false positives, these ways society tries to say ‘abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse – is okay really’.

Abuse is not a gift – ever.

Abuse is not a ‘blessing’ in disguise.

Because that is thanking and celebrating evil, which abuse is.

I will never say these shallow statements, to delude myself that abuse is okay, needed, has purpose.

Abuse is only ever about evil, suffering,

hurt, pain and nothing positive at all.

I will never thank my abusers for doing what they did.

All that is doing, is ‘ glorifying abuse, and glorifying evil.

I don’t ‘do’ that – to make myself feel better.

I see the bigger picture.

If people need to do think this way – to make themselves feel better, that’s what they need, but don’t assume that is actually correct or healthy, or accurate – because it isn’t.

I have always known abuse is wrong and bad and should never happen to anyone. Abuse often creates abusers and that alone shows how abuse should not be celebrated, in any way. Abuse causes harm, suffering, pain. That is never ‘good’.

I have already blogged about this – the legal system benefits the accused, not the victims.

“The legal system is designed to protect men from the superior power of the state but not to protect women or children from the superior power of men.

It therefore provides strong guarantees for the rights of the accused but essentially no guarantees for the rights of the victim.

If one set out by design to devise a system for provoking intrusive post-traumatic symptoms, one could not do better than a court of law.”

~ Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery 

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I have also blogged about how I am so sick of hearing about the ‘rights and needs’ of the abusers.

And not having rights and needs, as a victim of their abuse.

I wrote this in a previous blog…

https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2014/08/04/decades-of-abuse-it-being-all-about-the-abusers-its-still-all-about-them/

“It’s always about the abusers. Their rights. Their legal rights. Their human rights. Their mental health. Their issues. Their problems. Their past. How they must be forgiven. How they must receive compassion. How they couldn’t help it. How they didn’t understand what they were doing. How they are hurting inside. How society unfairly judges them. How we must not label them. How we must pray for them. How we must forgive them. The list is endless.

And ‘I’ am the bad person, if I don’t.

More shame, more guilt, more emotional (and spiritual) abuse.

Only from those who I need to help me.

Again.”

Understanding this quote, is making me really fucking angry….anger I am allowed to feel.

I think about things deeply and process them deeply.

My mother made it clear she wanted me to feel I was bad. That’s why she made me the scapegoat and blamed me for such core level damaging and psychologically painful things, set me up to be sexually abused, so I truly believed I was bad. And within my core, I still do.

All the abuse I have endured in my life is why I have this core belief that I am bad, evil, disgusting, worthless and I hate myself.

It’s why I don’t care enough about self care. It’s no doubt why I am willing to get really hurt, to try and help others. Deep down, I don’t believe I deserve anything different.

It’s like I will re-enact that continual trauma, over and over, to continue the abuse from the past. More people hurt me, supporting the belief inside that I am bad, evil, worthless, only there to be abused.

And my ‘mother’ did this to me.

I’ve had absolutely no-one on my side all my life. There were some for short periods of time, like the police in the court hearing where the psychopath went to prison. But there were never any significant people in my life, providing anything to balance all this abuse.