Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I am reaching new levels of exhausted, due to the depth of my recent emotions.

2 Comments

exh

I can barely type this. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted.

Allowing myself to feel the depth of anger and emotions I have recently, is exhausting. I had to go out earlier and I was literally dragging myself around. My husband even said I was ‘not all there’.

I got really angry about my mother earlier. New depths of anger I have never felt.

I know I need to feel this anger. I know I need to get it out of me. I know it is absolutely appropriate to feel it.

But, now I have that nagging little voice within me, saying “your mother is a really mentally unwell woman, so don’t hate her.”

And right now, I don’t know whether this is about me making excuses for her and this is heading to my normal self hatred, ‘I am bad for thinking badly of my mother’ issues I always have….

Or, whether I need to balance my needed anger, with the truth of what she is – severely mentally ill.

I don’t know what is needed – because I am so exhausted.

I am going to email this to my doctor/counsellor and see what she thinks.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “I am reaching new levels of exhausted, due to the depth of my recent emotions.

  1. I used to hate my mother, her drinking, the shouting, violence, insults, every cruelty she could device. But i wasn’t allowed to even voice it, it was aterrible sin not to love and honor her…(that was my grandmother, that since i was 6 told me i had to always do as she said and take care of my ill mother forever). I couldn’t even say it was unfair, it hurt or i would like to leave some day) I had to do whatever i chose, growing up, being independent or just surviving. I accepted finally that fate and stayed until the end (for me it would have been better to die at that time). During the last years they both deteriorated, my grandmother died at 92 and my mother 3 years later at 63 (the alcohol had ruined her, she was in pain, couldn’t walk, used diapers, had completely lost her mind…)Through all that i tried to see a suffering human being, and not the monster i had for a mother. Now there’s no one to hate, to shout, to ask why. I know i’m still angry, at myself, at the church, at the world, at everyone that never helped me or believed when i tried to say what i was going through. I can’t say i forgive, love or understand, but the worst hatred faded. Good luck and hugs.

    • I understand and this crap that church people like to perpetuate of how it is a terrible sin to think badly of our parents………grrrrrr……..it is the abusive parents who sinned, abused us and stole our need and right to have parents we could honour and respect!

      I don’t have to ‘honour and respect’ my abusive mother, or my real father who abandoned me, or my step father who was abusive and I know it is abusive to tell children of abusers this too.

      This is just shaming survivors of abuse and spiritual abuse to boot and I wish church people would just ‘shut up’ about this stuff.

      I am so sorry you have endured all this.

      Just remember – we have a right to anger, Jesus felt anger and anger about abuse is ‘righteous anger’. I know God has unlimited patience about our anger and how hard it is to manage and deal with.

      God knows what we went through ❤