Teddy’s don’t hug back, but all too often, that’s all you’ve got.

I’ve always been a ‘huggy’ person. Always wanted to hug everyone. I’ve always hugged my friends, and people I know, men, as well as women. This has got me into trouble with people who have taken advantage of this and I know my boundaries are not good, in many ways.

But, I know why I want people to hug me. I want what I didn’t have in my childhood. I want non sexual hugs, like I should have had from parents. I want someone to hug that little girl part of me, that was never safe, never hugged in safe arms. I still want it. As pathetic as it sounds.

And it can’t be from someone who sees me in a sexual way, like my husband. It needs to be nothing to do with sex.

I just want someone to hug me. Preferably often. Like children need.

This hurts so much to write this. I have tears pouring down my face writing this.

Because I know how badly I need things, I will never have.

I’m going to go and get my favourite teddy, wrap myself up in a soft blanket and try and comfort that part of me, that has been desperate for what I never had, all my life.

Maybe, expecting me to change this much….is an impossible task & causing me more harm?

Maybe, expecting me to become everything I am not, is too great a burden to have weighing on me?

Maybe, this is setting me up, to fail and have more self hate, failure and self loathing?

Maybe, expecting someone who has been living with underlying fear, anxiety, depression, grief, loss, pain and suffering….for 43 years…..

To morph into someone hasn’t been traumatised, abused, harmed, suffering, in pain, child abused, abandoned, terrified, sexually abused, child sexually abused……

It is normal, for complex trauma survivors to only experience positive emotions as…

I still crave my old coping methods

Throughout my 20’s, one of the ways I coped……which incorporated several of my maladaptive coping strategies…was clubbing, drinking alcohol, club dancing and taking home men….with ‘no emotions, alcohol hazed, sex’.

I would be lying, if I said I didn’t ‘enjoy’ this at the time.

It fulfilled my need for highs, my love of dancing, alcohol, my need for human contact with men, with no emotions required.

I didn’t really do well, with having to add emotional intimacy to the mix, with men. That’s when I always seemed to get hurt more.

The highlight of these coping methods, was going on 18-30’s holidays – with all the usual ‘girls gone wild’ types behaviours. A lot of alcohol, cocktails, dancing, skinny dipping in the Med, Ibiza being the best clubbing spot and all the new and exciting places to have ‘fun’.

Just the usual…….depression again.

I am so sick of this. Any hope or positive stuff, never lasts more than a day or two. It’s always followed by depression. I wish I could be someone who just sleeps all day, to get away from the depression.

I never used be like this through my 20’s and 30’s. I was always high energy, doing so much, living life on full speed and now I just can’t.

My energy levels are getting lower and lower. The depression just cycles around continually.

Maybe, I just need an increase in meds.

Why am I bothering?

In a world full of people who only want to view things they way they want to….and many will always tell me I am wrong for viewing it differently….I don’t know why I am bothering.

I’m sick of this conflict.

Of defending myself.

Having people tell me, I am the one not thinking clearly.

I am sick of being confused, by people who all have their own agenda’s – which I know every person has.

It’s hardly self care to keep enabling people to do this to me.

There’s a part of me thinks I should quit writing, quit sharing, quit counselling, quit blogging and just stay the hell away from anyone and everyone, so I cannot get anymore shit.

Why is it that I can talk freely about all forms of abuse…..except religious/spiritual/church abuse?

I don’t often post on my Facebook page, about abuse caused by church people – which I know from research is common – but whenever I do, I can guarantee that I get the most resistance.

It’s like Satan panics and wants to shut me up – because he wants this abuse continued and does not want this evil of his, outed.

I get told I shouldn’t speak about religion at all, and ‘shamed’ by people saying I shouldn’t say anything or talk about it as being common, because they wrongly interpret that as me saying ‘all churches’ and ‘all church’ people are abusive, which I never say and do not believe.

But, I am pretty tired of defending myself and my right to speak openly about this – even though I am trying to help people who have been abused in churches, because I know how horrific it is.

It’s like people are totally okay to talk about narcissists, paedophiles etc……but don’t dare talk about abusive church people and how common it is for abuse survivors to be hurt by abusive church views and wrongly interpreted bible verses.

I won’t shut up about this – because those abused in churches, need help too.

‘Honour & Respect Your Abusive Parents’ – is more abuse. Church people….stop this.

I hate this crap that church people like to perpetuate………how it is a terrible sin to think badly of our parents, no matter what they do.

Grrrrr……..it is the abusive parents who sinned, abused us and stole our need and right to have parents we could honour and respect!

This is why I have to stay away from church people.

I can’t handle their emotionally, psychologically abusive, re-traumatising, spiritually abusive views about abuse and abusers. I see clearly why abuse is rife within Christianity and it bothers me, that so many non Christians see this clearly too – and think this is what God wants. He does not, at all.

But, I am not resilient to deal with it. It is self care to stay away from people who will hurt me more.

I can’t handle anymore hurt and so many are so immature in their faith, in their emotional intelligence. Yes, I get that is where they are at. No, I don’t hate them because of this, but I do not have to tolerate it and ignore it either.

They hurt far too many abuse survivors and that is not okay. These immature views, force abuse survivors to suppress their needed emotions, their healing. Which can take a long time and church people ‘judge’ that too. They think they are Jesus – to know how long someone’s healing ‘should’ take.