I am so sick of this. Any hope or positive stuff, never lasts more than a day or two. It’s always followed by depression. I wish I could be someone who just sleeps all day, to get away from the depression.
I never used be like this through my 20’s and 30’s. I was always high energy, doing so much, living life on full speed and now I just can’t.
My energy levels are getting lower and lower. The depression just cycles around continually.
Maybe, I just need an increase in meds.
Maybe I should just start taking Prazosin for the nightmares, anxiety meds for that and up the depression meds.
Who knows…….I might even start to have a life………instead of just existing, like I have now for the last year.
I read this is normal for Complex PTSD – to have very short lived spurts of feeling on a high to feel something good, but followed by the usual crashes of feeling depressed, sad, emotional, no energy and losing hope.
Certainly normal for me.
My life has always been like this, since childhood.
Now, it’s like I just don’t have enough ‘highs’ to feel something close to ‘good’.
So the depression sets in faster.
Which I guess, is because of the PTSD symptoms increasing, all the trauma processing, comes to terms with knowing the abusers all meant to hurt me, all the church crap making it worse, grieving, shame, isolation, losing so many people from my life, abandonment depression, fear, anxiety, having little emotional support, massive hyper vigilance….etc.
It’s no way to live.
It isn’t living.
It’s just existing…….
in various forms of trauma induced states
and emotions, emotional flashbacks and grief and pain,
with added cycling shame, self hatred, embarrassment,
terminal aloneness, worthlessness and hopelessness.
I can understand why people need to rationalize all this, to cope.
To find some fake reason, why all this is okay.
I wish I could be dishonest to myself and delude myself too.
Having integrity to honesty and realness, is great, but can be fucking shitty too.