This last week, my levels of feeling exhausted, have deepened.
I am doing a little more, but I’m not running a marathon………..it’s just going to the shops, and playing with my young son, who is on school holidays.
But, I am exhausted. Literally having to lie down during the afternoon and so tired in the evening, but not sleepy tired.
I am confused as to why I am feeling more tired, while doing more self care, than when I do less.
I don’t know whether the constant massive anxiety, having more stress going on – is what can ‘keep me going’ normally, so now I am avoiding unhealthy stuff, and not having the hyper-stress that comes with that……means by body is less stressed, less anxious, and just wants to rest.
Which considering my life and all I have been through………..I can understand my poor body physically needing to rest.
I just tried to explain to my husband, it’s not miserable tired, or grieving sadness tired, or thinking bad thoughts type depression……….just total physical exhaustion.
I’m sure there is some psychological term for this…..removing anxiety and stress, doing better self care, but your body collapsing into physical exhaustion………like my body is saying “okay…my turn….you don’t look after me…..and I am falling apart too!”
I feel like I need to lie down for a year, to catch up.
There is probably some underlying grieving and depression going on too, and subconscious stuff. Maybe removing the major anxiety and stress, is just revealing the underlying exhaustion, depression, grieving…
It has crossed my mind there could be something wrong with me physically and I know due to my levels of chronic illness, all my life, I am more prone to getting other physical illnesses, but I am not allowing my mind to ‘go there’.
I’m probably very low on my vitamin D again and I know the last time I had a load of blood tests, the results were not good and showed a general level of poor health, which all adds to low energy, lethargy etc.
But, I am gong to see how it goes over the next few weeks, focus on my children whilst on school holidays – give them what little I have, whilst also have some self care within that…and see how I am feeling once they are back in school.
Plus, I have to realise, I have gone through a lot of massive and painful emotions over the last few months. My counsellor/doctor was away through it all, I struggled badly to cope and ended up at the hospital.
So, I need to give myself more understanding of how that takes it’s toll on my body, as well as my mind, heart and soul – as they are all affected by all I am dealing with.
I hope I can gain some physical strength slowly.