A post to my page, on more processing I have done…
“I always desperately wanted to have a little girl, since being a teenager.
I didn’t realise until recently, this deep yearning to have a little girl to love, was actually about my inner little girl child not being loved, cherished, or protected throughout my childhood, by my own mother.
My deep need to have a little girl, has always been about the profound unmet needs, for someone to parent the hurt, abused, abandoned little girl within, who I am now caring for and re-parenting.”
~ Lilly Hope Lucario
I realise now, why I can feel really emotional when looking at girls clothes and why I constantly gravitate to looking at girls things. I have no memories of my mother taking me out to buy me a pretty dress, she never did this.
We had hand me downs, which is okay, except there was enough money to buy us nice clothes, she just didn’t want to. She didn’t do anything with me. There was no buying party dresses, or special clothes for Christmas etc….nothing.
These emotional reactions I have about girls things, clothes etc, are about these deeper unmet needs. I wanted a girl, to show her the love, cherishing, protection and care I was never shown and do all the things most mothers do with their daughters.
I wanted a little girl to take to ballet lessons, like I did, except my mother never came to watch. She didn’t take one single photo of me at ballet, not even when I did solo performances for the local community, dressed in beautiful tutu’s.
I realise, all these needs of having a little girl I desperately craved, was me subconsciously wanting to deal with this childhood trauma and neglect, by providing for a little girl… all I never received….
And all along, that little girl, was within me.