The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma
Re-enactment, Revictimization, and Masochism
This is really hard reading.
I have read about this before, but now I am starting to realize the extent of how the child abuse and child sexual abuse, has affected my entire life, in so many ways.
My emotions, are a kind of relief, to start to understand and have less confusion…..combined with levels of shame I still feel, deep sadness that I have been harmed in such profound ways, and anger towards those who caused all this.
And anger to those who made choices to take advantage of my vulnerable state, to hurt and harm me more, as despite anything I did and my psychological reasons for this…..
This still did not give anyone the right to abuse me, it does not justify what they did, or lesson the severity of the abuse they caused, or make their lies/denying etc, acceptable. It still in no way minimizes their intentions to harm me, or the harm they caused – which was about their issues, not mine. I was such easy prey and they took advantage of this, completely.