Lumosity Brain Training Results Were Surprising..

I saw an advert for Lumosity Brain Training on the TV, and got sucked in by their claims to be based upon neuroscience…

I have often thought about doing brain training, as I am aware my concentration skills, short term memory etc, are affected by having endured so much trauma and having PTSD.

I picked out the areas I thought I most needed to ‘exercise’ and develop, so short term memory and attention skills, being areas my poor battered brain could definitely do with some growth.

I was surprised by the results.

Why was I not worthy of a decent family, before I was even created?

It is hard not to wonder about this sometimes. It is hard not to look at other people’s lives, and see good enough childhood’s and wonder who I would have become, had I been blessed with the precious gift of a decent childhood, decent parents.

I was born, with a decent level of intelligence, gifts of dance, I am creative, I love humour, I care about people, a decent physical body and I know all the illness I deal with now, is a result of what happened to me, that I did not deserve.

I realise, with the right encouragement, the love and safety of a good home/family, decent parenting….I would be very different to the wreck I am now.

I would have had a very different life, and I know part of healing, is to grieve everything I didn’t have and who I would of become, if I had received all this.

I see successful people – the kind of success I find positive, those who help others, those who have good self esteem and lead happy lives and I grieve not having that. I know many people have ‘good’ memories of their childhood, doing normal family things and didn’t spend their childhood deep in fear, constant anxiety, needing to be an adult in a child’s body…..but instead were allowed to be a child.

Numb.

It is painful and hard to process the extent of all the abuse and the obvious harm, suffering and pain that has caused.

It is painful and hard, to process this was family and people I loved, who caused all this.

It has been painful and hard to suffer spiritual abuse, throughout all this processing.

It is beyond hard, to know it was all intentional abuse.

Now, I have to also process, that due to the depths of the harm caused to me as a child, I have been unable to protect myself from these abusers, and been going through it all, with trauma repeating, because I am re-enacting trauma as a subconscious way of trying to process the trauma from the 1st 20 years of my life. Getting continually harmed and abused by more people, in the process.

The shame and need to try to process all the abuse, has led to further suffering, self hatred, self loathing and a life of desperately trying to find what I never received, during my developmental and formative years and also trying to process all that happened, but completely subconsciously and totally unaware of what I was doing and all the reasons why.

It is an overwhelming amount to deal with. It is profoundly sad, devastatingly tragic and painfully horrendous.