It is hard not to wonder about this sometimes. It is hard not to look at other people’s lives, and see good enough childhood’s and wonder who I would have become, had I been blessed with the precious gift of a decent childhood, decent parents.
I was born, with a decent level of intelligence, gifts of dance, I am creative, I love humour, I care about people, a decent physical body and I know all the illness I deal with now, is a result of what happened to me, that I did not deserve.
I realise, with the right encouragement, the love and safety of a good home/family, decent parenting….I would be very different to the wreck I am now.
I would have had a very different life, and I know part of healing, is to grieve everything I didn’t have and who I would of become, if I had received all this.
I see successful people – the kind of success I find positive, those who help others, those who have good self esteem and lead happy lives and I grieve not having that. I know many people have ‘good’ memories of their childhood, doing normal family things and didn’t spend their childhood deep in fear, constant anxiety, needing to be an adult in a child’s body…..but instead were allowed to be a child.
I want everyone to have had a good enough childhood, with good enough parenting and feel safe. I am so thankful for people who had this.
But, there is a part of me that hurts so much, that I didn’t.
And has that ‘why me?’ – what’s wrong with me, that I didn’t deserve to be born into a good enough family?
It feels like I was unworthy of this, before I was even created.
And I need to know why?
Why are some given lives that allow them to be happy, and I wasn’t?
Why was I created, knowing I would suffer for 43 years?