Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Why was I not worthy of a decent family, before I was even created?

It is hard not to wonder about this sometimes. It is hard not to look at other people’s lives, and see good enough childhood’s and wonder who I would have become, had I been blessed with the precious gift of a decent childhood, decent parents.

I was born, with a decent level of intelligence, gifts of dance, I am creative, I love humour, I care about people, a decent physical body and I know all the illness I deal with now, is a result of what happened to me, that I did not deserve.

I realise, with the right encouragement, the love and safety of a good home/family, decent parenting….I would be very different to the wreck I am now.

I would have had a very different life, and I know part of healing, is to grieve everything I didn’t have and who I would of become, if I had received all this.

I see successful people – the kind of success I find positive, those who help others, those who have good self esteem and lead happy lives and I grieve not having that. I know many people have ‘good’ memories of their childhood, doing normal family things and didn’t spend their childhood deep in fear, constant anxiety, needing to be an adult in a child’s body…..but instead were allowed to be a child.

I want everyone to have had a good enough childhood, with good enough parenting and feel safe. I am so thankful for people who had this.

But, there is a part of me that hurts so much, that I didn’t.

And has that ‘why me?’ – what’s wrong with me, that I didn’t deserve to be born into a good enough family?

It feels like I was unworthy of this, before I was even created.

And I need to know why?

Why are some given lives that allow them to be happy, and I wasn’t?

Why was I created, knowing I would suffer for 43 years?


Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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